Nailing the Interview*

So your resume got you an interview, congratulations!

Now panic.

In three days you will drive to an unfamiliar place during rush hour and answer impossible questions posed by seven bored strangers who may or may not care. If you want this position  you need to win these people’s hearts.

You can do this if you remember a few small things:

1. Don’t sweat.

2. Don’t swear.

3. Don’t stare. Eye contact is important but it only takes four minutes of eye contact to make someone fall in love with you, so you know, shift your gaze.

4. Don’t  twirl in your chair. They gave you the spinning chair as a test, they know you will spin, don’t spin.

5. Don’t puke, pass out, or soil yourself. You are too old for that shit. 

6. Be yourself, kind of. You want to temper expectations from the get go. 

It’s not hard to not look like a complete fool, but if you’re prone to such nonsense your dealer can probably get you a Xanax or two. 

Good luck.

*Since I’ve never done this, it’s mostly speculation.

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