There are a billion different idioms for how to dress for success. They are all sort of rooted in the truth, except for the one about dressing for the job you want. Don’t dress for the job you want. You don’t have a job (or you have a shitty job) so you can’t afford to dress like basketball player or a Kardashian.

No one cares if you are tall or short or fat or lumpy, they care if you can get your odd body into clothes well enough to look human.

Rules for women:

Put your tits away and cover your hoo-ha (this is cutesy for downstairs lady business, which incidentally has no business in business). Your ass should also keep from making an appearance. If you’re rocking an enormous rack buy a big girl shirt and get the waist taken in, Jesus may be the one who is supposed to judge you but pretty much everyone else is.

If you put on a pencil skirt you should be able to sit without splitting the lining. You should also be able to walk in it, foot binding is kind of passe, as is it’s accompanying gait.

Your pants should have a zipper long enough to pass the top of your natural pubic hair line, just because it was cool to rock ass cleavage when you were in high school doesn’t mean you should now. As a reminder: only camels should have camel toes.

When it comes to shoes I don’t care if you wear heels or flats or wedges but you have to be able to walk in them and they need to fit. If your feet are spilling out of the top of the fuck-me-pumps you went with not only will you fail to nail your interview, you’re going to fail to get nailed.

Rules for men:

Guys, the lady gap-age is only a small crime compared to some of the poor shirt choices you make. Seriously, get measured. Your collar needs to fit your neck, your sleeves need to fit your arms, the body of your shirt should fit your body. Fun fact: men’s dress shirts are designed to only fit at the collar and sleeves, the body (which I’m sure has a fancy name) is supposed to be cut down. So do that. You also need to pay attention to collar styles, you need to know how to wear the one you choose, let the internet be your guide.

You know that tie you got for your 8th grade graduation? It’s not going to cut it, you want to look current. Find a tie that has a bit of color but not too flashy. You’ve done something wrong if your tie leaves a bigger impression than you do.

New-ish looking shoes are important, so keep them stuffed when they are not on your feet (newspaper is the poor man’s shoe tree). Polish is your friend, creases are not. Unless you are Hugh Hefner’s understudy, your shoes need to have laces.

Your pants should be pressed. Keep in mind that if your pocket are giving your hips and extra curve your ass is too big for your pants. Your junk should never been visible (I’m talking to you Jon Hamm) so please wear some goddamned underwear.

Keep the shoulders of your jackets in line with your shoulders, keep the hem of your pants at the tops of your shoes and you’ll be set.