As a grownup you will eventually have to call a customer service line. Most likely you dread this day but with the right attitude and the following tips you’ll be able to quickly achieve gold star caller status. 

1. Multitask

You are going to be on hold for two to 97 minutes, don’t waste that time thinking about what you need to do to make this call go smoothly, instead pull out your handy dandy vibrator and go to town. Don’t worry if your call is answered right away, your vibrator is discreet and your brand new iPhone would never pick up its subtle hum, your customer service rep will never be the wiser.

2. The customer is always right

You, the customer, are right, about everything. It is your job to make sure that the person on the other end of the line knows it and you take your job seriously. Repeat the phrase “the customer is always right” until you get what you want.

3. Insist on speaking to an American

We all know that all call centers are in India or something, but why call all that way to talk to “John”? You should immediately ask to speak to someone in the U.S., and no, New Mexico isn’t good enough. 

4. Tell them to check the system

The system has every detail of every transaction, call, complaint, and telepathic transmission you have ever made with the company you called. Make sure your rep knows that you know about the system. If he or she can’t find what you know is there insist they keep looking. You know that “John” made a note last time you called, just don’t let them transfer you back to “John” he can’t help you.

5. Explain your knowledge of your problem 

The voice on the other end of the line is just a customer service person, you need to explain what you read on that one blog posted six years ago to them so they know that you know more than them. I mean, you could figure it out on your own but you don’t have time. Besides, whatever they’re going to tell you, you know already.

6. Speak slowly and clearly

Obviously, if you are speaking to a customer service representative you are speaking to someone who is not smart enough to get a different job, don’t overwhelm them. If they don’t understand your simple request repeat it again and again increasing your volume until you are screaming. Then ask for their supervisor.

7. Do not tolerate ignorance

Don’t let the rep tell you that they don’t know the password to the wifi at your local library. This type of behavior is lazy and unacceptable. How are you supposed to tell them how to fix your problem if you can’t access the Internet?

This is by no means a comprehensive list but your first call is nerve racking enough without feeling like you’ve missed a step. Let me know when you’ve become comfortable at this level and I’ll give you the guide to “elderly caller” level.