People’s wants and needs can be boiled down to one thing: Everyone needs someone to love them.

It’s selfish, yes, but (super duper simplified) psychology says that people can only care for others once they have taken care of themselves. If you are reading this then my assumption is that you have food and shelter, the one need you you cannot fulfill for yourself is validation, being loved.

I want you to be loved, let me help you on this journey.

• Use the internet

There may be people around you who care about you in real life, they may even secretly love you, ignore them. The internet is full of suckers who will fall hard for you, use this to your advantage. You can have a line of people pining for you before you’ve even met them, they don’t have to know that you are a simpering waif of a human a because they only know what you tell them. Build this following, groom them, and one by one use up their affections until you feel less inadequate.

• Only look for people you’re mother will disapprove of

If you target the hearts of the people your mother would kill to keep away from her baby they will only love you more. Someone who has to fight to be part of your life is invested. Let them fight the battle for your parents’ approval, each failure will drive them deeper into your corner. If ever they do gain your mother’s approval, dump them.

• Fetisize your target

Since you found someone to love you online, you can choose someone who you wouldn’t necessarily be attracted to. Maybe you’ve found a chubby person who thinks the sun shines out of your ass, someone of another ethnicity, or maybe a tattooed wonder, perhaps a little person (or a giant!), a paraplegic, let them know that you are into them because of their otherness.  Make sure when you are with this person the only thing you talk to them about is the oddity of it. When you are in bed focus on their differences, make them as aware of those differences are you are, it will make them aware that you doing them a favor for letting them love you.

• Save yourself for marriage

I’m not talking about sex, if you aren’t having sex with someone how can you know that they care about you? I’m talking about kissing. Touching mouths. Kissing is one of the most intimate acts a person can engage in, save it for someone you love not just a person who loves you.

If your target goes in for a kiss, feign a sore throat, halitosis, or recent dental work. Turn your head so that their kiss never hits your mouth, a cheek is fine, chin is okay too but you need to protect your mouth at all costs. Don’t let them try to coerce you.

A kiss is something you can never take back.