Flu season (October to April in my part of the world) is nearly here. Your office is filled with people who never get sick which in their minds means they are impenetrable to viruses, these “picture of health” people won’t get a flu shot.

If last year taught us anything it’s get vaccinated and brace for impact.

By mid-December your coworkers will be dropping like flies but they want to take the days before and after Christmas off so they will be coming to work. You need to protect yourself.

I have formulated a plan to do just that.

Step 1: Keep your vaccination status a secret

Don’t tell anyone at work, not your friends or your boss, not even that cute guy in the cube by the corner who you may or may not be banging when you are supposed to be filing the filing.

No one.

Don’t ask me why, just keep reading the plan.

Step 2: Vocalize your disdain for alcohol based hand sanitizer 

Seriously, this stuff is gross. If you work in an office pushing papers around and clicking about on your keyboard you don’t need it, you need soap and water, which I think most places keep handy in the bathroom.

It would probably be better if you sound reasonable about this point, maybe go with the government is infecting up with influenza through the gloppy gel. Aliens and mind control conspiracies are always good too. Shout your crazy on high and throw out every bottle you see (don’t worry the owner will retrieve it from the garbage).

Step 3: Free sneeze

Your office mates will not touch your phone, computer, stapler, etc. if they are worried about all of stuff being covered in sneeze juice. They may blame you when they get the sniffles, unless you are sneezing into their mouth your conscience should be clear.

Don’t sneeze in people’s mouths, that’s just weird.

Step 4: Whine about how sick your mother was when she made you dinner last Thursday

I don’t care if your mother lives on another continent, she made you dinner three days ago and she was on the brink of death with something communicable. Everyone will avoid you waiting for you to fall ill, thus saving you from their germ clouds

Step 5: Stay the fuck home when you are sick

Stay the fuck home when you are sick.

I know the struggle of being employed by a soulless US company who doesn’t allow for sick leave but you need to stay the fuck at home when are sick.