As a dog owner you spend countless hours tied to a stinky-dirty, territorial beast who understands that if you think you are in charge the day will go much smoother. He’s not the only one who wants the walks to be free from incident, today, I will help you become the most obedient dog owner in town.

Traveling with your dog

Since your dog is part of the family he needs to go with you everywhere. I mean everywhere. You need to go to the mall, sure. You have a lunch date, take the pooch. Running errands for a few hours before taking Billy to football practice? The dog goes too. If you are ever admonished for taking your dog somewhere that isn’t “dog friendly” you can always crack a window and leave him in the car. He’s a dog, he’ll love it.

If someone reaches out to the authorities about your behavior, circumnavigate the law and buy your dog a vest online. He’s not a companion now, he’s a service dog. You need him for emotional support and nobody can tell you no.

Poop

You’ve read the book Everybody Poops? Your dog is included in that everybody and since he refuses to go in the toilet you take him outside. If you are lucky, your dog is ashamed of his duty and does everything in his power to conceal it. You need to follow his lead. He poops, you pull out your phone and text away like you are oblivious, when he’s done and he runs away, run with him.

If he has a desperate moment and goes in someone’s front yard and they catch them, feign panic. Pat at your jacket pockets and look around frantically. Then ask the yard owner for a bag, you have to pick it up this time. Once you’ve picked up the waste, toss it in their garbage can. They’ll never know it was you.

Leashing your dog

You don’t need to leash your dog, he’s friendly and listens to you about 62% of the time. He’s a good boy. No one should be afraid of him. He’ll never fight another dog. When you walk your beast without a leash be sure to carry copies of  his vaccination records and cash to cover the cost of the injuries that occur.