Dating is tough, especially if you are scared of what people on the Internet will do to you. You interact with tons of humans on a daily basis, choose one and make them your own. Please find a few tricks to wooing another human below.

Demean their job

Chances are you’ve chosen a waitress, barista, or mechanic to claim as your own. People in the service industry are the most obvious targets because you have the most frequent interactions with them. They are trained to be polite and help you, it’s a natural transition to being the object of your affection. They are not smart enough to work in a cubicle like you so you need to help them understand the world around them. Explain everything to them like they are a small child from some other plant, they’ll thank you one day.

Be persistent 

You asked them out and they declined, it’s ok. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. Maybe after they’ve gone blue in the face with negative responses call them at their place of business and apologize. If they didn’t hang up on you immediately then you know you’re in, ask them out again. 

Tell them about the special date you’ve planned 

This person is clearly playing hard to get, you have an amazing date planned. Tell them about it. Make them feel at ease by explaining that you don’t expect sex on the first date. But you know, it is 2015, so they know the rules.

 Give them options: darkened theater mid-day or darkened theater after dark. 

Reassure them that you’re not creepy. Say the words “I’m not creepy”, it’s the most convincing way to show how not creepy you are.

Bring them gifts

Everyone likes being put on the spot, especially if it is an unwanted romantic gesture. Figure out a time when they are swamped with work and rush in to make a scene. 

Be careful, poor planning will have you standing in an office lobby trying to explain to the object of your affection’s coworkers that you don’t have any business today and the flowers are for this girl you work with who isn’t into you but you’re going to win over anyway.

Eventually, this person will inform HR or the police that you are harassing them. When that happens start making an ass of yourself by faking over interest in their coworkers. Your day will come.

A note: This was written in complete sarcasm. If cannot understand that the opposite of what I have said is true, find a deserted island and move to it, alone. Never return.