In the past week this issue has come up on two separate occasions, once in class and once at work. The work story is just an old lady with too many channels having trouble with the remote, funny. The class story is not as funny.

I’m not trying to shame your for viewing porn. Watch what you want.

And it’s fairly fucking prolific, so don’t try to tell me you don’t watch it, statistically speaking you aren’t special enough to be that outlier.

When you are watching porn please take the follow steps to ensure that you are being polite to your fellow humans.

Use the public library 

You don’t want your wife finding out you are into something other than procreative sex, that would be kind of embarrassing, so don’t look at anything suggesting so at home. The library provides computers for free to you (most of the time) so use the machines your tax dollars are paying for.

Please be aware that many busy public libraries run on timers, don’t dally find, find what you are looking for and get off.

Turn up the volume

If you can, make sure you listen to whatever noise plays along with your video at an appropriate volume (it may be quite hard at the library, so if you abide by my previous statement skip this one). This comes in handy when you are have satisfied your curiosity and close your devise before closing the browsing window. When you next open your laptop or tap your browser on your phone the volume should still be at listening level, how else are you going to serenade the people within earshot?

Share via social media

You post almost every article you read to Facebook and retweet everything any D-list celebrity says so why not link everyone to where your jollies come from? Think of all the likes you’ll get, because basically any you like 300 million others will like too (that’s one of those made up statistics that’s pretty much true).

Let the porn guide you

Cosmo, rest it’s soul, is filled with tired sex tricks, leave the saran-wrapped testicles in the past and get with porn sex. If you see it on your screen try it in real life. If your partner doesn’t follow your social media feeds and isn’t super on into your kink, surprise them! Just because porn starts are mostly professionals doesn’t mean you can’t too.