If you are human, living among humans that there is a small percentage of a chance that one day you will be faced with the challenge of having an intelligent discussion about your religion or, slightly more horrifying, religion in general. You can do it. I know you can because you take your life advice from me, and I can do it. Here’s how:

1. Pick a side

Remeber that one writing class you were forced to take in college, the one where they forced you to write a persuasive essay (I do, I scandalized my class)? This is like that essay. When discussing religion you typically have to choose a side to an argument. The thing about choosing which side of an argument you want to stand on is that you cant always choose the side you want, you have to choose the side that is easiest to back.

2. Defend your position

You spend hours defending why Tim Tebow is the greatest running back* to ever grace this here blue planet. You even drafted him first for your fantasy team all the while explaing to your league that the stats don’t matter, the facts speak for themselves. You can do this with your aguement, I don’t have to feed you lines here, you already know enough about what you are talking about to lay out four or five key points. If you’re fact-based evidence isn’t working for you, state the same facts louder.

3. Don’t waiver

Part of defending your position is knowing in your heart of hearts that you will win this discussion at all costs. I told you previously that you don’t have to feel strongly about which side of the argument you take as long as you can support it, I stand by that doubly so now, that if I were to state it again I would use bold and italics. Because I’m right.

And that my friends is me showing not telling, I’m a stupendous teacher!

4. Don’t acknowledge valid counterarguments

If your fellow conversationalists are making points that you could get behind, store them in your brain box for a later date but do not concede to their correctness. Concession is a sign of weakness. You don’t win friends by being weak. How the fuck do you think Tim Tebow would feel if you stepped out of his corner because someone told you that Billy Cundiff is a better choice for your fantasy running back?

If you are going to make that argument find a new fantasy league in another city where no one will know that you are spineless.

Notes: I wrote this in a hyper-christian coffee shop where I may or may not pay for the coffee I drink and where I am frequently served by a debt free Jew with artistic tendencies, who is vocal about his fear of genital inadequacy. This place has the best goddamn ice coffee. I feel like this should be known by all.

*I know that I’m just wrong on like seven different levels here.