Heal Thy Self

My days have become filled with news of horrible body failures that are shattering the lives of my Facebook friends. The sheer number of strokes that have struck down people my age and younger in the last month is something I should probably take as a strong warning, but I can’t let an opportunity this good pass me by!

Hopefully this reaches you before it is necessary so that you are fully equipped to handle whatever medical tragedy will befall your friend from high school that you avoid when your visiting your hometown, or, you know, someone you care about. The following tips will help you get through a tragedy, yours or otherwise.

Share your expertise 

You’re basically a doctor, you’ve seen every single episode of Grey’s Anatomy and follow Dr. Oz like the wizard he is, so let everyone know. If the person suffering is a family member let the care staff know what McDreamy would do. Whine about the speed at which they run diagnostic tests, it happens faster on TV.

If the doctor refuses to listen to your demands for a neuro-thoracic dermatologist to aid in the setting of a sprained ankle complicated by hysteria, fire him. There are other hospitals and other doctors and this emergency will wait until one of them is available.

If you can, between now and the time this upheaval happens brush up on your WebMD*.

Share your love 

As a human, and a friend, when someone is in need you should do all you can to help them. Your co-worker Barb, she told you about how her friend’s cousin Olga cured her son’s self-diagnosed autism with ionized water, you did drink it that one time and your cold went away in about a week. If you can get some hands on it for your stricken friend they won’t need radiation or dialysis.

If the ionized water doesn’t do the trick immediately, take them a lasagna or two. While they are warming the lasagna start mixing the oils that you bought after your mother’s neighbor taught a class because she cured her daughters’ seasonal allergies with them when she moved in. I’m sure lavender (great for sleep) and tea tree (an antiseptic) oils mixed together as a throat spray will cure emphysema right?

Don’t forget dessert with your lasagna, otherwise you’re just a bad friend, don’t be a bad friend.

Share every detail on social media

It takes a village to raise a child and a social network of one billion users with a handy-dandy like button to support him through his tragic childhood disease. Financial support is nice, but you don’t know this kid from Adam so you are wary of handing over your credit card number (understandable) so just click like because one million likes is the same as a cure.

For catastrophes closer to home use social media to describe the down and dirtiest details. They had a catheter, tell everyone about it. Your partner is suffering sexual dysfunction caused by life saving medications? Share it. You peed on a stick everyday for a year trying to conceive baby George? Save the sticks and pop those bitches on your Intsa.

Share credit

When you have done everything you can and your loved one has pulled through, when they have left the teams of doctors and nurse, when the EMTs no longer bring cookies to your home when you dial 911 for the fifth time this week, when the pharmacist no longer brings medications by the house on his lunch break, when your neighbors have gone back to their business, praise god. For with out your diligence and his omnipresent gifts surely that poor soul would have been a goner.


*Hint: it’s cancer.

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