Bathrooms and Cell Phones 

You may or may not remember the days when phones had cords. The days of being tethered to the wall are so very long gone that historical phone etiquette has also fallen off.

This problem of phones in the restroom started at the advent of the cordless handset and has only gotten worse as phones have gotten smaller and more entertaining. The following points will help you turn back the clock and act like a human while using your phone.

Public bathrooms

When entering public facilities there is no need to end your conversation, if there was someone would have blocked the cell signal for that particular space. Don’t fret about the privacy of others, that’s what stalls are for! Selfie away, you won’t get photobombed by someone peering through a crack in a door.

I know that when you’ve been on a long car ride you don’t have time to smoke your cigarette outside before rushing to empty your bladder, especially while reliving the shit show that was your weekend to Becky, the stupid bitch who missed out because she’s pregnant, again. And I know with your phone in one hand and your smokes in the other you defiantly can’t lock the door. And why should you?You are proud of the way all those dudes wrecked your vag over the course of the last 48 hours, I know because Becky is getting a graphic retelling, so show everyone what they are missing out on.

Put it away 

If you are opposed to continued conversation pop you phone in your pocket, which leads me to my next point…

Screen locks

Don’t use your screen lock, that’s just asking for trouble. How else are you supposed to use an obscure messaging app to dial people up? I mean seriously, why pee in peace, when you could broadcast you potty time to your friends, family, lovers, and others?

It is truly liberating to pass out from embarrassment.


As a fail safe make sure your volume on your phone is turned up. If you are having a conversation everyone in the vicinity should be able to hear both sides, if you are a pocket dialer then you want to know what the dialee thinks about your singing in response to the call of nature.

Whatever you do, do it without discretion.

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