So you’re chocking to death on a flake of coconut during a chat with the boss? It’s okay, we’ve all been there. If your office has prepared for this disaster you may survive this ordeal. If not, at least you’ll be the reason your company no longer allows coconut during working hours, new policy y’all!

Before tragedy strikes your team, learn how to mitigate an emergency, with my help of course.

Bleeding

Call the police. Patrol cars have Band-Aids in their first aid kits. The Band-Aids may be old dried up latex crud but in my experience police are more attractive than paramedics and are less likely to cart you off to the hospital.

Be aware that police admisitered first aid is almost guaranteed to be deviod of any pain relief. Officers start their day raiding the first aid kits for hangover cures.

Fever

At some point someone you work with will come to work with a mild cough and be on his or her death bed by lunch. If fever is one of their symptoms, you can potentially save their life by reducing their body temperature.

Strip the febrile coworker to their skivvies, empty the freezer of its ice and get both of them into the mop sink. Chill until their body until their lips are blue, that’s a sure sign they’ll be fine.

This obviously works best if you’ve always wanted to see this person undressed.

Confusion

Everyone works with one of those people who can’t remember if they did that one thing they promised the firms biggest client they would have done by last Tuesday. That person also can’t remember if they set the alarms at night and they get their back to back to back meetings confused with each other. 

Don’t offer assistance to this person, Outlook and/or Google calendar can’t help them now, instead send a letter to HR venting your frustrations about working with the elderly. Stupid fuckers over 45 just need to retire already.
Allergies

So the seasons have changed recently and everyone is lamenting whatever nature is doing but there is always one person who suffers from this new seasons allergies. You don’t want to catch these allergies, tellthe sneezing, coughing, runny eyed monster about your aunt’s success with a neti pot. 

You should probably wear your cat’s hair as a coat to work, exposure to allergens will only strengthen his or her immune system.

Falls

Rug and heels are a dangerous mix, hell, rugs by themselves are eighth leading cause of deat in the US, or something. If someone is incapacitated by a rug they deserve whatever harm comes as a result.

Simply yell “klutz” as you walk by, no other 

Broken bones

If said klutz breaks something splint the bone with rulers and cello tape then get back to work. They can seek professional help after working hours 

Choking

Someone was dumb enough to eat candy at work and now they are choking. Offer the Heimlich even if you don’t know how. Scream when the choker moves to vom in trash can. 

Remember, if they pass out it’s just their body taking a break, they’ll be fine, but if you have a blanket cover them with it, so no one can see them struggle.