Today the world was brought to it’s knees by the World Health Organization’s report on processed meats. Just as we’re figuring it how to work the blessed manna into our gut busting post-workout snacky-poo a reputable source goes and fucks everything up.

That isn’t the only cancer inducing nightmare that has popped up this week either. Seems we’ve been shoving carcinogens into our vaginas to help sop up our feminine scourge.

With our bacon and tampons trying to kill us with slow painful deaths whatever shall we do to survive? Deprive ourselves or the things we love, I think not. Find substitutes? It will only make us yearn more. Consume with reckless abandon? It might sound good for a bit but we need a sustainable plan. You can find that very plan here.

1. Try pant based processed meat
2. Go organic/rubber/plastic (?)
3. …

You guys, I tried.

I know I’m supposed to guide you but I’m sitting here a vat of sausage gravy not worried a lick about my prostate health. And you scoff at my disregard.

You know what else is a carcinogen? The Sun. Alcohol, too. Your genes are pretty deadly and I’m sure with a little research you could find something in your jeans that would set forth the unfortunate chain of mutations we fear most.

Basically, with a measure of salt (oddly enough key to preventing some cancer*) do what you want, it’s all going to kill you sooner or later.

*This statement is super-duper oversimplified and it is disheartening that I had to add this little note to remind you of that.