Being the Protected and Served

I try very hard to remain apolitical but there was another police brutality video that surfaced in the last day or so, I feel that maybe I can provide some insight into dealing with the police.

Now you’re worried about the fact that I am a white woman. I am. But I have also been a target of the police (I grew up in a very small town with a police department that collectively had an IQ under three digits) and friends with them. The police are people and thus you must treat them as such. Below you will find my advice for dealing with the police.

Join them

I’m not recommending becoming a cop, you’re too fat or too liberal or both. I’m suggesting that you drink where they drink, gamble where they gamble, and if they congregate in a gym outside of their headquarters join that gym. If you become friends with them they will look the other way when you do something minor like not get your car inspected for like 17 years. If you owe them money, they’ll be less likely to bust up your less than legal little league betting ring.

The gym thing is just in case of attractiveness. Get it where you can.

Share with them

The police love free stuff. This is why they go to 7-11 and Starbucks, to feed their addiction to sugar and caffeine and not spending money on things other people have to spend money on. They like free just as much as you do.

The cost of the freebies is nothing compared to the security you will reap in return. I have to admit that the constant police presence where I work keeps both the robbers and sales people at bay and I’m ecstatic that I don’t have to deal with either.

Be warned, the police live on coffee. Keep stocked up.

Put them in their place

Because the police are human they occasionally get a bit big for their britches, you have the power to put them in their place. I suggest not clearing the acorns off the sidewalk. There is nothing more satisfying then watching a man in uniform slip on them, spill all of his coffee on himself and then lick it off of his arm as he storms to his car.

Tell them when they smell, because they only clean the uniform they wear everyday once a month or so. They also eat free lunch in some of the grossest smelling sub shops, and that smell clings to them. They don’t seem to mind but if you’re getting gurpy because they walked in the room they need to know.

Don’t patronize them

So you’ve been pulled over. You know you were doing something wrong so instead of unbuttoning your shirt and hiking up your skirt and becoming the laughing stock of the local watering hole, just apologize for being a dumb dumb. If the officer who pulled you over is attractive, don’t tell him. You’re not smooth enough. You’re not cool enough. And have you seen his boyfriend? You totes can’t compete with that.

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