Foot in Mouth Disease 

 Maybe you offered condolences before someone even learns of a loved one’s passing or maybe you offered sympathy for a job offer not extended without knowing where the job actually stood. 

We’ve all done it, blurted out something to (or in front of) someone that you had no business saying.

I can’t tell you how to avoid these situations because usually they arise out of sheer ignorance or poor assumptions. I can, however, help you deal with the aftermath of your flub.


A sincere explanation of your thought process, no matter how convoluted, will get you back in their graces. Maybe not on speaking terms, not for a few days at least. Definitely not without a bit of awkward, but small steps.

Run away

When the person you are acosting with supposed knowledge shows signs of confusion. Yell “coming!” over their left shoulder, loud enough to startle them, deepening their confusion. 

Then run.

Don’t stop until you’re out of sight. Better yet, continue running until you’ve reached a town you’ve never been to, dye your hair, change your name, start your life over. 

Pass out

They’re going to ask questions about what you think you know. You don’t have answers and now that you know that you’re stuck. You can’t because you decided to wear the sexy bra today, and your tits will be flopping about like escaped lunatics.

If you are someone who blushes the shift to passing out is easy, just hold your breath. If you have to work a bit harder because your blood didn’t rush to your skin, stub your toe really hard.

In the chaos that follows your faux pas will be forgotten. If not, you can safely say you hit your head and can’t remember a thing.

Fake your own death

If you really mess up you will have to work a tiny bit harder to make them forget. 

Once you escape the immediate situation pack a small bag, over feed the cat, and email your obit to the local paper. Fill in one friend to spread the word of your sudden passing, but only one.

Then silence. No social media. No birthday cards. No nothing. You are dead, all the papers say so.

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