The problem with being a woman is that every time you’re are hungry, tired, or pukey the assumption is that you are pregnant. Even if it is impossible a pregnancy test is administered, I’ve even heard tales of doctors who don’t understand the reproductive implications of lesbianism (could be urban legend). 

So when is it okay to ask a woman if she is pregnant? Recently, finally, the internet tells us that we can’t. But as humans we struggle with letting this kind of thing go, below are a few suggestions of questions to ask instead.

What did you eat for lunch?!?

Some people sort of expand after a large meal. Some people sort of expand when they are host to a human uterine parasite. We’ve already established that you can’t ask about the latter so push for a confession. 

Worst case you find out where to get a hella sweet barrito.

Have you tried to go gluten free?

Gluten has been accused (I don’t have science for this) of causing excess belly fat. Press this information on object of your speculation, maybe she doesn’t know she’s getting fluffy and you’ve saved her the horror of finding out next time she walks past a mirror. If the woman you are interrogating balks at the idea of dieting you know she’s eating for two. 

You have any Tinder success lately?

If this bitch isn’t getting laid she’s probably not in the family way. If she is getting hers (maybe she can give you a few pointers) you can start keeping tack of how flowy her tops are getting. 

When was your last menstrual period?

Sometimes a gynocoligist asks this question when determining whether one is up the duff and you watched Call the Midwife one afternoon so your basically qualified. If she answers with a date that is reasonably close to yours mention that you’re synced up, this gives you an opening to pry by confessing you are behind schedule. 

You should be aware that this question may end a conversation with dirty looks or dirty tampons thrown your direction.