Recently, my mother discovered that I write this here blog when I told her I was suffering from 15 minutes of fame when one of my posts started trending on a website that I cringe at being associated with. She was more or less supportive of my ramblings but scolded me for not using my “college words”.

What she meant was that I said a cuss word and she thinks it reflects poorly on my intelligence. I could be dumb, with literal marbles rattling around my skull and she would make the same argument.

The best part of this tale is that my mother taught me to cuss. She’s a fantastic cusser. You should strive to be one too, let me help you.

Fuck

Fuck is such a lovely word. It can be used as any part of speech, verb (as in fuck), adjective (fucking, for example), adverb (try: fuckingly), and as a noun (eg: that fuck). So you end up with something along the lines of The fucking fuck fucked the fuck out of that fuck.

Now you try.

Fuck has a nice mouth feel (mind out of the gutter you filthy fucker). Say it. The eff sound is so soft that you have to bite it for emphasis. The end is glottal, deep gutty feeling.

Use it often. Use it well.

Goddamn

My mother dislikes this one, you know, ten commandments and all. But I find that it occasionally comes in handy. I use it in glee. I’ve heard it used in anger and I find it to be a wasteful use of enthusiasm but you must find your comfort zone.

If you are wary of the ten commandments as my mother is, I advise you to try hot-damn. It has a similar cadence and can be used in the similar context.

Bitch

Bitch is tricky. Some dogs and many women find it offensive. I would never spit the word at anyone unless in jest.

Your friends are your bitches, your dogs are you bitches and you can bitch please. 

Bitching is a lovely way to describe what George does at work all day and bitchin’ is fantastic trade up from cool, sweet, and neato.

Cunt

Unwad your panties and hear me out.

Cunt is a fun word. It’s a fun name for you twat and for the frat bros (though I don’t think any other word would fit them both). And, yes, old ladies get all spun up when you say it but they also think sex before marriage is a sin (despite having a baby six months or less after their respective weddings). If someone bitches about your use of cunt just acknowledge that you will see the bitches in hell.