Yesterday, because I keep on top of current events, there was a congressional meeting thing with the head of the Fed, Janet Yellen. The discussion was about the potential raising of the interest rates (blah blah blah).

One very intriguing thing did come of the entire governmenty thing, Representative Brad Sherman waxed poetic about when the rates should change:

…God’s plan is not for things to rise in the autumn. As a matter of fact that’s why we call it fall. Nor is it God’s plan for things to rise in the winter, through the snow. God’s plan is that things rise in the spring. And so if you want to be good with the Almighty, you may want to delay until May.

I have to say that with all my theological studies (which is not to be read sarcastically, I have a shit ton of education, why not some religion?) I never once came across such a succinct explanation of God’s plan nor have I ever known of anyone with specific knowledge like that of Rep. Sherman (perhaps he is a prophet!).

As such, I have taken inspiration from this speech and I think you should too. Below you will find a little list of situations when it is appropriate to use this wonderful oration.

1. When your employees ask for a raise
2. When you are asked to do a television weather report without prior preparation
3. When you fail to properly prove a loaf of bread
4. When you’re failing at achieving a lead in the polls (I know, I know I promised to not be political and here I’m at it, again)
5. When your funny Facebook status get ignored
6. When you need to explain your GPA to your parents
7. When your birthday balloon slowly falls from the ceiling
8. When your patient asks for an increased dose of Viagra