At some point you will discover that you are poor. I hear it’s a symptom of adulthood, I also hear it gets better, but when you’ve straddled the poverty line for a decade it stops being a symptom and just is.

Some people are good at being poor, they stay healthy on shit food and can fix their cars themselves. Some people are shit at being underwater. Because I fall into the latter category I think it’s only appropriate to share my tips and tricks for being poor as gracefully as possible.

Feign a non-interest in social activity

You can’t afford social things. Don’t suffer the embarrassment of having your card declined at the movies, save that for the grocery store, when there is a line across the store.

Drinking is out of the question, can you imagine dropping half of a days worth of pee sodden work on a dim buzz? I’ve done it. It stung. There is an upside to this nonsense, you become a light weight and drinking becomes two or three drinks cheap.

Become a regular

If you go into the same coffee shop or sandwich place nearly everyday, if you make friends with the folks who work there eventually you (possibly) will be treated with the privileges of a regular. Discounts, day-olds, samples, and the occasional freebie are all within your budget.

Remember to never be stingy with a tip, if you get a 90% discount on your lunch the least you can do is spend 50% of the going price to grease your friends’ palms.

Eat in front of people

Some lucky fuckers (me) gain weight when they are forced to each cheap. Potatoes and eggs will sustain you even better than cheap “cheese” and $1 loaves of bread but it doesn’t carry well to work. When in the presence of others eat healthfully, and heartily. Find a good salad bar and raid the shit out of it for lunch, just skip the hard boiled egg, you have enough of that in your life.

Invest in tons of underwear

Laundry is an expensive chore, I’m looking at $3.50 for a wash and dry, so limit it as much as possible. When you have an extra dollar or two find a under-drawers sale and stock up.

If you wearing clean undies then you are wearing clean clothes. Be wary of stains though, they give you away.

Grow your hair out

You probably can’t afford to drop $30 to $50 on a haircut despite what it would do for you. And someone will tell you that you can get a cheap haircut at some chain cuttery, you can, but if you can’t afford to drop $30 to $50 on a haircut in the first place you definitely can’t spend $12 get get a bad haircut and $30 to $50 to get it fixed.

Let it grow, pretend it’s a style thing, all the youths are doing it these days.