I am a woman of marrying age. I am single. In some circles, including but not limited to the produce department of the finer grocery chains, I am past my best-by date. This is something of my choosing, spinsterhood.

Unlike being an old maid, being a spinster doesn’t carry the weight of viginity with it. Please find my tips and tricks for wearing your sprinter pants (or skirt, for easier access) proudly below.

Avoid clingy suitors

Men who want to be with you all day and all night, who send you emojis and pictures if Internet kittens sought out just for you, who smell your hair and whisper breathlessly about the sexiness of your refined taste (Herbal Essences, motherfucker!) is not the man you want to beusing to get your dick wet (this is what the youths call it these days, or is that Denzel in Training Day that I’ve got running though my head?) on occasion. 

The clingy suitor needs your devotion, he want you to be his wife for about a year and without the benefit of his family money or 401K. He will suck the life out of you and then only share your bed for cuddles and hair braiding. 

The clingy suitor is the girlfriend you always wanted and if you’re not inclined to let your girlfriends diddle your snatch then this sensitive, needy shopping buddy shouldn’t either.

Don’t discriminate 

You only make it to spinsterhood once most everyone in your peer group is hitchedsobyour pickings get a smidge slimmer but don’t fret, especially if you haven’t lowered your standards yet. 

You meet men everywhere, bars, work, dog parks, Craigslist causal encounters, patients at the free clinic you volunteer at, you could do the no pants dance with any of them. 

The reality is that half of them are married, so if you still have scruples start with the better looking dudes from the bar and work your way through to that guy who comes in to the clinic once a month with incurable jock itch. Then move on to the “unhappily married” guys just make sure they don’t leave their wives for you. That would be a disaster.

Dress the part 

Dressing like you are comfortable with who you are and like you want a taste of the action is tough but you are mature enough to know which outfit looks best on someone else’s floor. If you’re feeling sweatpants and sequins by all means go for it. You want to style your hair like you did in high school? Why the hell not? 

You do you, just as long as you don’t wear panties.

Embrace the slut

You know at least one slut who will meet you behind 7-11 and fuck your brains out for a pack of smokes and a hot dog. Do him. Just don’t mak a habit out of it, cigarettes are expensive.