This weekend it was announced that  Amazon has launched Prime Now, or Now Prime, or whatever, in the little city where I live. The future is now people! Amazon will get me all the crap my heart desires in like two hours, and I don’t even have to get off my fanny.

So yeah, instant gratification. It’s a thing now more than ever. You don’t have to wait in line at Starbucks anymore. And I’m sure no one remembers when Netflix was dependent on the USPS (which is the only thing getting slower with time), but it was, and that was pretty stellar speed wise, especially when Blockbuster was 10 miles away.

Now that everything is so close being handed to you the second you want, winter is coming, at least in my hemisphere, and winter slows everything down with the slush and curd that happens.

With the slow-down pressing upon us, you will need an instant gratification kit. Below is a list of potentially useful items.

1. Tubbed cookie dough- because mixing flour and sugar is labor intensive
2. Dry shampoo – because showering is like a 10 minute process
3. A vibrator –  the dude you’re banging is 15 minutes away and he probably won’t get the job done even if he was within a reasonable distance
4. Alli – lose the weight the instant you put it on,you did just eat an entire tub of cookie dough (more than an instant gratification issue this is a segue into a future post about the side effects of the drugs)
5. Boxed wine – this shit doesn’t go bad and it will get you turnt (I think that’s what the kids are calling getting drunk these days) or just straight up sloppy