The Butt of the Benefits 

I write a lot about aging it seems. I am surrounded by the aging and the aged and while no one is disillusioned about turning the clock back everyone has something they will pay out the nose to maintain.

For me it’s wrinkle prevention at $40 a jar. For some women it’s tying their boobs up as close to their collarbones as possible, or keeping their girlish figure through pill popping and yoga. Men want the erections of their youth and the stamina of their glory days. And everyone want their cardiovascular system to keep its shit together for as long as it can.

Because we are obsessed with stopping the passage of time we’ll do anything to make it be, as long as it comes in a pill.  Alli to keep you thin, Cialis to keep you hard, Cymbta to keep you happy and pain free, plus whatever else the TV says you need and all your statins and blood pressure reducers.

The list of side effect on these drugs is mind boggling, a sliding scale of costs. But many of them share a most unpleasant theme: poop problems. Yucky poop problems: diarrhea, oily discharge, leakage. Problems most foul. Below you will find a list of ideas for dealing with these new issues.


Astronauts wear them for love so you can do it for your heart, or penis, or whatever. They have the added benefit allowing you to sit through an entire movie at the theater without a pee break, even if you get one of the theater jugs of soda.

Be aware that if you go this route you will need to give you trash folks a huge Christmas bonus.

Mud Baths

If you are routinely slathering up in mud for the benefits of you skin no one will think too harshly about the bits left in your crevices. You may want to strategically forget some behind your ear now and again just in case.

Think of how gloriously supple your skin will be, and think of all the people willing to cuddle up against it.

Get into scat play

If you can’t get behind diapers or mud you will just need to embrace the poo. Incorporate this vile thing into your sexy time when your disgust levels are low. Kudos to you if you don’t need to ease into this idea. If you are, I believe in you, you can do it.


A Note: this post was inspired by a 46 year-old man raving about the prospect wasting a rock-hard erection because his boner pills cause him to soil his pants.

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