It is oft frowned upon to drink alone. Hell, in some circles drinking in general is frowned upon, and you have no problem ruffling those feathers, so live a little.

There are a few tricks to drinking alone, you can find them listed below. Please note, it’s a hair easier to read when you aren’t totally trashed, because of vision and shit. So, yeah, tips below.

Don’t be an alcoholic 

Alcoholics who drink alone end up staring at me in my super gross Wal-Mart pants and ill fitting scrub top at 9:00 in the morning some random Thursday while I judge you for lying to me.

Don’t make me ask you trick questions, don’t make me suffer with your DTs, if you drink alone because you have to drink that much or because your friends won’t let you drink or whatever you shouldn’t being doing it.

Drink from fancy glasses

Why would you drink your fancy Black Box of wine out of a shitty plastic cup when your mom gave you Waterford crystal that one time when she was trying to show your older sister that she loved you more because you’re slightly less of an asshole?

Piss beer also tastes better out of an appropriate vessel, so stop drinking High Life from the can and class it up in some glass. Worst case, you have to run the dishwasher tomorrow. And if you don’t have a dishwasher you’re spouse will eventually get so pissed about the dirty glass that they will wash it themselves. If you don’t have a dishwasher or a significant other, you’re life is sad and you need to make some adjustments.

Enjoy your drink

There isn’t anyone around to impress, try enjoying the crap you put in your fancy glass. Why are you drinking $2 wine if it makes your tummy hurt before you’ve even finished the first gulp? There is no reason to drink

If the answer is something dumb like “because I’m sad and broke and I have no friends or dishwasher” then maybe reread my first point, its a slippery slope motherfuckers.