New Year Resolution: Your Guide to Success

Happy New Year!

Now onto New year, New you talk!

This year, skip the bullshit. You aren’t going to lose any weight, you aren’t going to exercise more frequently, and you aren’t going to be a generally better person, I know this because you haven’t done it any other year.

This year take the whole New You idea to the next level. Get people talking about your transformation. If you need ideas, I have a few listed below.

Widen your social circle

The easiest way to make new friends is, in my experience, to join a cult. A real cult, dooms day, alien profits, tagged and tracked with untraceable RFID chips by the government type group. 

In a cult you will be fully enveloped in a like minded community. They think with you and let you know when you are thinking wrongly. 

Drink the Kool-Aid. Wear the garb. Move onto the compound. Drink the blood of a virgin (not murder, don’t murder, new you doesn’t want to go to jail, unless, of course, the cult want you to…)

The cult is your new family, your new livelihood, your new world. You are free…

Dress to impress 

You’ve been holding onto all those clothes from high school for a reason,  why can’t that reason be that you are now a new person?

You pay attention to hipster trends and vintage fashion. 

Just wear the clothes, remember your youth and become the person you always wanted to be. 

There is no question that you are considerably larger than you were in high school so you may want to relearn to sew buttons, or not, you know whatever this new you feels you should go with it. 

Change your work habits

You’ve been at your job for a while now, you work hard, you feel accomplished but isn’t there more to life than this?

Start sleeping late, not changing your clothes for days, disregard any type of dress code, and bathe less frequently. Tell your boss how you feel. Tell your clients how you feel. Take the power back.

This would also be a good time to brush up on your internet porn search terms, maybe find a good pot brownie recipe. There are other people who can do your job, let them.

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