Surviving Engagement Season

I’m sorry if you are one of the special few who has/will become engaged to be married between December 24 and February 14 this post is not for you. You should probably be spending your time on Pinterest and Facebook basking in the depth of your love and the uniqueness of your wedding plans.

The rest of you, keep reading.

People you know are getting engaged because they love each other*, and they want you to know. They will post so many pictures that you will be tempted to vomit but don’t, vomiting with that kind of frequency is bad for your teeth. Instead of knee-jerk, violent disgust plan ahead, a few strategies follow.

Start a Pinterest board of your own

Maybe you want to plan the best wedding guest outfits, the biggest shit-show of a bridesmaid, the vacation you will go on with the $30-70 thousand dollars you are saving by not throwing a wedding this year. 

Maybe you’d rather just pin pictures of men (or women) you would marry based on looks alone, or outfits you should knot for your herd of cats.

No matter what you put on your new Pinterest board, don’t pin the wedding of your dreams until you are actually planning a wedding. Premature planning will doom you to eternal singledom.

Hire a professional photographer

The multitude of engagement shoots and “bump” shoots that will bombard you this season will probably be more horrifying as people get tired of railroad tracks and hay bails and are forced into more creative settings. The best way to endure this is to compete with it.

Maybe do a visual ode to pizza, or at kitty cat tea party. You could get old school yearbook style photos if that’s what will make you stand out, and you want to stand out (which is why you wear a cloak on a daily basis, right?)

Mark your calendar

Then take a picture of it and whenever someone posts an engagement announcement you can share the photos with them. A full calendar will help the happy couple pick a wedding day that works for you. They wouldn’t want to make you choose between attending one of their festivities to end all festivities and someone else’s excuse for a wedding.

If they balk at this gesture ask yourself, do these people deserve your Facebook friendship?

Getting into wedding shape

The newly engaged bride is going on a year long starvation diet so she can buy a sample size dress, you will need to do better than that. Engage a plastic surgeon, stylist, personal trainer, chef, nail artist, and the old hair and makeup folks. Everyday is the happiest day of you life if you’re not engaged, look the part.

*I was going to say that they are getting engaged because Kay Jewlers pulled a Hallmark and is making them think that this is the time to do it, do it now, finance the $12000.00 ring! But it makes me sound sad that I’m a poor (financially and pityingly) spinster.

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