Preparing for the Worst

Calm down, I’m not talking about dying or cancer or whatever I’m talking about a fuck ton of snow falling into your adult life. 

I live in a place where snow loses its appeal after six inches (like power outages and the schools staying closed for a week kind of nonsense). Hell, even the slightest chance of dusting sends people into panic mode, which is great for grocery and hardware stores but not so great for anyone who wants to make a purchase at one of the a disaster zones. 

So how do you prepare for the impending three to thirty-six inches that the weatherman is waffling about? 

The short answer is stock up. Get as much of the things you need as you can afford and prepare to live on only these things for one to four days. A list of essentials is below. 

  1. Condoms – I don’t care what your preferred method of birth control is, nor am I judging you if you are as painfully single as I am at the moment and it just seems like a silly waste of money, you’ll need condoms. This stands because as a whole people are dumb and haven’t figured out how human reproduction works, and you don’t want any surprises. Also, if you are trying to conceive this month isn’t the month to make your best effort. Come September when there is a natural uptic in births (because it happens every year) people will be “aww you had a snow baby” despite gestational math being off by at least a month. Don’t suffer at the hands of idiots blaming you for being negligent with your genetic material, buy condoms. Side note: they make wonderful balloons and unique snow-brick molds.
  2. Milk, eggs, and bread – True snow essiantials even if they aren’t staples of your vegan, gluten-free diet. With these three items in combination the culinary possibilities are endless. You can have French toast, eggs and toast, egg in a basket, scrambled eggs, an egg sandwich and many many more delectable egg/bread/milk combos.
  3. A shovel – It doesn’t matter how many stores you try, you’re not going to find a snow shovel. Instead of giving up get a regular shovel, it may be basically useless for snow removal but it will do the trick when you dig the graves of all of the people who told you so.
  4. Salt – The thing about salt is that when added to water it decreases the freezing point of said water (this is due to the polarity of the water molecule and the ionic bonds of sodium chloride and thermodynamics but you knew that). Use the salt on your exterior walkways and driveways. Yes, table salt will work but you’ll be dumping Mortons for days so maybe check to see what the hardware store has to offer when you are trying out shovels. 
  5. A space heater – The potential for the electricity to go is exponentially higher in old cities that get a fewer than 300 snow falls a year. For most people no electricity means no heat, a  kerosene or propane space heater will solve that little problem lickety split. I recommend you go with kerosene so that any left over fuel can be used to chase down and kill the ladybug that crawled into your ear.*
  6. Yarn – You always said you were going to teach yourself to knit, now is the chance.
  7. Artisanal Cheese – If you have the funds get the good stuff. Cheese is a spectacular way to liven up your diet of eggs, bread, and milk. It also works well as a snack on its own or with what ever booze you’ve hoarded.
  8. Booze – Nothing will go better with your artisanal cheese and condoms than your alcoholic beverage of choice.

Good luck. I’ll see you on the other side.

    *For the love of all that is good and sane do not ever pour kerosene into your ear canal. You won’t believe the number of dumb dumbs that need this disclaimer. Don’t be one of them.

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