I have to start this post by stating that I am not a person who owns children, of my own or purchased from someone else. I do have a Facebook profile. This post is written strictly from my observations of people who have it all as they say.

I am aware that the challenges of raising children in an error of social media is very different from those of previous generations (when I was a kid my parents worried about be poking my eye out with a stick not getting poked in some pseudosexual way via Facebook). I want to help new parents navigate this treacherous terrain. Since we all know that the best parenting advice comes from semi-obscure* blogs… so here goes nothing.

Update 

The status updates really should start the second you think you may want to conceive an offspring, tell us about you discussion with your spouse (only married people have babies on Facebook) share with us your step by step plan to get said conception rolling. If you don’t update people on how often and in what position you are attempting to join sperm and egg then you are not doing something right.

You have a twinge, post about it. You are a bit gassier than normal? That status update doesn’t have a character limit, go all out.

The world needs to know that you still feel sexy at 476 lbs and we need to see what you are wearing because we want to feel sexy but our wombs are empty.

Labor should be documented from the moment it starts, the community on Facebook needs to keep track of how much your cervix has dilated so that we can make little charts to post in an online photo album that maybe one day we’ll gift to your child.

Don’t forget to update us the first time you brush your teeth after the baby arrives.

Film

Get out the video recorders folks because you’re child is so darn cute, cuter than every baby that has ever lived and you need to share that with the world.

Capture baby’s first smile and first steps and first birthday. The world needs to bask in this little angel’s unique shining light of a personality.

If you’re baby is crying, film it, for hours. We need to know how hard it is to be you because your baby cries like no baby before it.

Photograph

If your phone isn’t capturing a moment on film it had better be snapping stills. Having a baby requires at least 43 photos a day of the kid just laying on the floor. You will also need professional photos taken at regular intervals because how else will you remember that unnatural pose that all babies are manipulated into?

You know what the super best ever is? Photos of the photographer photographing your baby. Keep that in mind.

Share

You don’t have time to sleep anymore (thank you for the status update, its super helpful) but you were reading some website and you thought I’d want to read it too, share it with everyone. Maybe it’s about feeding your infant honey to soothe his cough**, fuck science, share that on Facebook. I bet you saw an article about how the childless are killing society and you are feeling pretty darn pleased about giving birth before reading it. Share it so the company you keep on Facebook so they know you are a superior human being.

Like

You are very busy with this new baby, with the status updates, new photo albums, videos and links and all so instead of commenting on your own stuff just like it. Make sure everyone knows what you are proud of. Liking your own posts also puts a step ahead of your bitch sister who thought she’d steal your thunder and have a baby a month after you did.

 

Most importantly your attachment should not be affected by this child. Facebook was your priority before she came into the picture, she’ll learn her place soon enough.

 

*I’m fully aware that this blog has not reached semi-obscurity yet. Let me pet my own ego once in a while, jeez!

**Don’t do that. That is a great way to introduce some nasty infant killing shit to your infant. Go with science.