Benchmarking

One of the things that I can’t stand to listen to people blather on about is how their child hit a developmental benchmark early, these parents think their child is so damn smart and will only be disappointed by the poor child as it grows more and more mediocre as it ages. Parents comparing their children to one another just makes everyone sad (which is how I’m choosing to make a weak segue at the moment).

It continues into adulthood, especially as a twin*. You get your driver’s licenses on the same day. You buy your first lotto tickets on the same day, you get legally wasted for the first time on the same day. Shit happens but your life moves in parallel benchmarks until one day your twin ups the ante, the asshole goes and gets engaged, all the while sitting around considering whether or not these dating apps are really your style.

So how do you cope with being left in the dust by someone who managed to do everything at the same time as you? This is trial and error folks but some things seem to be helping.

Drink the rest of the wine

You need the antioxidants to prevent the aging because the bitches just keep getting younger and you are not.

Spend hours on the phone

If you were so close to someone for so long you are bound to have a few mutual friends, or former mutual friends, who are willing to dissect what this other portion of you is thinking. It’s also a good time to discuss omelette recipes.

Send a heart felt congratulations 

Via Facebook of course. Facebook seems appropriately warm in this instance.

Cry about it

Then cry about how the wine is gone. And how your foot has fallen asleep again. Cry about the dirty dishes and the even dirtier laundry. Just kind of let everything out. Maybe have a cookie too, just don’t choke on it while you are sobbing.

 

*This isn’t me secretly revealing I have a twin. I have a person who is in some manners my twin, we were born on the same day at the same place, just to different parents. We were really good friends in high school. Don’t look alike but we both have blue eyes and stand between 5’4″ and 5’6″ but I didn’t tell you that because he’d be kind of mad.

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