Valentine’s Prep

‘Tis the season of Tinder dates turning into frenzied romantic affairs. 

People are making reservations and praying to gods they don’t believe in that they get to keep those reservations.

The radio is trying to force me to buy some lady an engagement ring and some flowers with cruddy free chocolates. 

At a concert this week I was accosted by a couple sharing an intimate moment in the crowd (I’ve seen worse in similar situations, but still). 

This general ramping of public dispays of affection there is no doubt that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. And I get it, you notice everyone else loving each other because you don’t have someone permanently attached to your face by their face. I believe that is called loneliness and is easily reminded by joing the festivities. I probably shouldn’t be advising you on these matters because the only time anyone has ever sent me flower was my second anniversary at work, but I’m going to anyway because that is the job I have chosen for myself. 

Wear red

Red lipstick mimics a lady’s excited bits. Red cheeks highlight innocence. Red panties are slutty. A red dress says you’re ready for fun. Red shoes let everyone know you’re sassy but on the classier side of sassy. Red soles on your shoes indicate you spent more money on your shoes than I did on mine. 

Pick one or more and see where it takes you. 

Say yes

Someone asked you out? Go out. Someone asked your for your number? Give it to them. Someone asked to walk you home while in the wee hours of the morning? Just agree. Someone asked for s bite of your lunch on the bus? How romantic! Someone on a reality show asks your to marry them? You should just do it. 

You never know what will come of a little openness.

Put it out there 

This means different things to different people so let me break it down further.

  1. Wear a sandwich board declaring your need to a roll in the hay.
  2. Expose your genitals to people who you want to touch them. *
  3. Tell strangers about your long dry spell.
  4. Send yourself a gift then tell everyone that you sent it to yourself. **

Join in

If you see a couple sharing a moment, insert yourself into that moment. Join their make out sesh, help row the boat, gaze into one eye of each of these beautiful people who’s love you share.

If they seem upset, it’s probably because they were going to invite you to share in their moment and chickened out. They are mad at themselves not at you. 

*I cannot afford to bail you out of jail so please don’t call me.

**This technique will get you hugged, turn that hug into something more exciting by grabbing a handful of ass. 


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