This week has been rough. I have had three different infections, been burned and electrocuted, bruised by furniture, and I pulled a muscle in my back while carrying a recliner around for some old people, and one of my bosses took the time to explain how payroll works (either he employs dumb-dumb heads or he’s got something against blonds). 

Twice this week, like two different days, I have left my apartment without my phone.

The phone thing, it got its own paragraph because it was the most immediately distressing of all of my issues. I mean, drive home from work to get it at the risk of having to walk my dog in seasonably cold weather so I don’t miss a single text message or let Wendy think she has the upper hand in this week’s Fitbit challenge, panic inducing.

It will happen to you one day, you will be somewhere and your mobile device will be elsewhere or dead. Maybe you have access to a landline and a desktop but probably not. What do you do? 

1. Enjoy the phantom vibrations.
2. Jump at the phantom dings, pings, and rings.
3. Talk to people, I’m sure you’ll get a warm response, once they look up from their respective devices.
4. Look up. The sky does cool things. Watch what the cool things the phone does*.
5. Look where you are walking. It’s novel, I am aware, but it’s super good for your brain.
6. Get your phone calluses removed. You didn’t notice them before, but they’re there and they are gross. 
7. Reacclimate  your eyes with middle and far distances. You’re going to need glasses one day because your eye muscles are as weak as your flabby abd but today doesn’t need to be that day.

*This was an inadvertent mistake but it proved my point, so I left it.