I know you’ve tried, at some point, to whisper filthy nothings into the ears of a lover. I know that at least once those filthy nothings have fallen flat, possibly because you were banging a dud, but most likely it’s because you don’t know how to talk to people in general. Plus you got nervous and your voice cracked like Justin Beiber trying to sing his early stuff.

We all get it. No one is judging. But we are all wondering why of all the things you could say, you chose to say that…

Fear not! If you have a phone and a filthy mind you can send a half decent sext, save yourself the embarrassment and play it safe*. If you’re sext game is weak you’ll find a few pointers below.

Test the waters

Sexting is a funny beast, unlike sex between humans sex between phones lacks primal cues, tone can be lost in translation, and sometimes one phone just isn’t available and the other feels rejected (but this is true of regular texting, too).

If you are smart enough for innuendo it’s an excellent way to see if the receiving party is ready for you to bring the smut.

Stick a toe in. If you get a warm response dive in head first.

Keep it light

If you are not comfortable with dirty texts lighten the mood. Put you best filth in writing then sign it with an LOL.

Your raging member is probably not laughing out loud but if it were it would be a sight to behold, the recipient of said sext will be excited by the imagery and will take a dip in the dirty dirty with you (or will spend the evening LOLing about the LOL).

I wouldn’t fret over laughter, it make sexts so good.

Be a tease 

Give them a taste of what you’ve got. 

In the midst of normal conversation say something that will get them lathered up then go back to discussing how much you hate Donna from work. 

Leave them guessing 

After you’ve gotten into a groove and everybody is enjoying themselves fall asleep without warning. Your silence will leave your sextual partners wanting more. Maybe next time they’ll initiate or, even better maybe, you’ll wake up to trashing hot talk, or the “You up?” you’ve been waiting for.

*This does not mean sending pictures of your masterfully manipulated genitals without a request for you to do so. Becoming internet famous is opposite of playing it safe.