Filing a Proper Complaint

I’ve written about customer service before, but I’ve never guided you through making a proper customer service complaint.

I want to do that for you today.

Not because every mildly annoying situation calls for a formal complaint, but one day some sales associate at your favorite outlet mall will tell you she’s going to the back to check a size for and come back empty handed. Maybe you’ll go to the bank and the bank will refuse to give you the balance of your husband’s personal account. It could be that you want to know a friends diagnosis and the staff at her doctor’s office is less than accommodating.

You need your frustration to be heard, justice to be served, and bitches to get fired.

Here’s how…

Write an email

Immediately, don’t think. Just act. Action is good. Action is cathartic. Don’t hesitate. Just hit send. Don’t think twice, send.

Copy the top bosses

Every menial issue needs to be brought to the attention of everything board member and three letter titled person the internet can turn up contact information for. The board and executives are the only people who can bring order to the peons, they wouldn’t have gotten to where they are without being able to bring discipline down the ranks.

Use a thesaurus 

You don’t want to say that someone was mean to you, you’d sound like a ninny. So find other means of stating such. I’ve compiled a small list in case you don’t have any resources beyond the confines of your own mind.

  1. hostile
  2. vicious
  3. unpleasant
  4. malicious
  5. odious
  6. beastly
  7. spiteful
  8. virulent
  9. malevolent

Leave your hand in the incident vague

The customer is always right so no matter what blame you should carry it is nullified by that principle, the principle that is the basis of all good customer service.

The customer is always right.

Request free shit

If you have suffered at the hands of some businesses poor service they owe you their goods and services free of change. Take what is due to you.


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