I’ve written about how to reveal your kinks to people you want to be kinky with (and learned that some people just keep a google doc to share as necessary) but I never helped you with those other discussions that are maybe less extreme and probably more uncomfortable.

As weird as it is telling someone that you prefer to get off on a train that you hopped hobo style, you can gauge how that conversation is going to go. The more embarrassing topics are harder to tackle. Let me help you cover some of the more embarrassing normal things you may feel the need to share.

Dentures

I don’t know if it’s age or drugs or bad genes but your teeth all fell out. This is tragic, it is the stuff of my literal nightmares, but you got a set of chompers and you look mostly normal a fair bit of the time.

Maybe you are a little self-conscious about your teeth, you probably don’t need to be, lots of old people have dentures. You just got a head start. If you are met with discomfort take your teeth out and use them as a puppet to help make things right again.

Pubic hair

This is one of those things that some people find to be super off putting and if you’re not Gwyneth Platrow you may feel pressured by the little porn girls and Hollywood full-frontal nudity. I’m sorry that you are made to feel unworthy because you rock something more than bareness. Don’t fret.

Just out with it.

Hell, don’t have a discussion about it. If you’re getting it on and your partner balks at whatever you’ve got going on, you’ve got a good story to snicker about with your buds.

If your bush is embarrassing to you (I don’t understand why it would be if you have one, but this could be a thing, I suppose) you should just go to the beach with an elderly woman in an ill fitting bathing suit, you’ll have never looked so good in your life.

Tattoos

You may not remember getting your name written across your lower back but there is no denying that it happened. Tattoos are one of those things that people either love or hate. If you love to hate  on yours go ahead and give others permission to do so as well.

Worst case: your partner thinks it’s tacky and you have to awkwardly discuss the billion and one reasons you haven’t gotten the darn thing removed yet.

Best case: your partner never calls you by the wrong name.

But don’t let one bad spring break ruin your birthday suit forever, everyone’s favorite outfit has a blemish or two, or three.

Less than movie-star worthy genitalia

In a recent discussion of encounters with male genitalia it was recently discovered (through anecdotal evidence, of course, but it was a candid conversation so I doubt anyone was telling untruths) that the people being presented with said genitalia were pretty into just situation they encountered. The horror stories people tell about bad encounters typically don’t revolve around the appendage itself (unless a set of dilators had to be ordered…) but rather how it was wielded.

Ladies are also super uptight about how their junk will be received. But I have never heard of a man turning down sex based on the outward appearance of a vagina.

Since bits are like snowflakes, maybe don’t even bring it up. If something crucial is missing or damaged, maybe then, but definitely over coffee, midday, while dressed, so that the information can be processed without pressure or shock.

Your business will be okay, and you will find someone who will touch it, that’s pretty much a guarantee.

Club fingers

Don’t tell anyone, either wear gloves or chop them off. I’m sorry this is where I have to draw the line.