On Grooming

My recent mention of pubic hair in a post has caused a bit of an uproar. A friend, someone who has neither seen nor will ever see me in my birthday suit, went on a little rant about how a woman should take take of her hair down there. 

This led me to do an informal survey of gendered bush expectations, in hindsight I should have a just asked people to take their pants off for me (next time!). 

After learning that I haven’t been taking care of business appropriately for the majority of my adult life, I find it is my duty to guide you in matters of personal grooming. Below are a few tips for pulling yourself together.

For ladies 

  • Shave start at your toes and work your way up. Be especially careful not to cut yourself, there is nothing as unsexy as scabby stubble. If you do nick yourself, ditch your blade immediately, I’m sure you have a handful of laser-cut titanium replacements laying around. 
  • Wax any stray hair between your belly button and the floor. You may think this is something you can do this at home, a little old lady once warned me that this a no go. Get a second or third job so that you can have a professional rip the burden of adulthood from your nethers, so that you can engage in the joys of adulthood without fear of disgusting your partner.
  • Pluck the stray hairs between your belly button and the top of your head. Clean up your eyebrows in a pinch then delicately removed those three unnatural hairs near your areoles. Tweeze away fly always and nose hairs.
  • Thread anything untoward on your face should be ripped off by woman with a spool of thread. It’s more effective than plucking the little bit of fuzz above your lip and doesn’t burn like wax.
  • Lubricate your skin. No one can resist a moist woman and if it doesn’t come naturally you can, as my mother always says, “fake it until you make it”. 
  • Blow dry your hair to perfection, then straighten it, then curl it. I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re supposed to do but I can’t tell you for sure because I’m still confused as to why head hair doesn’t need to be forcibly removed like all the hair.

For those who are not ladies 

  • Shave your face, if you want.
  • Comb your shoulder hair into a fine cloud, your scraggly back hair into a furry tank top. 

If you have any additional hygienicly driven grooming tips please share, in the mean time I’ll be bathing in Nair to solve my singleness.

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