A Guide to Owning a Car and a Vagina

Something close to 50% of the world’s population is female. That is something like 3.5 billion people who possess vaginas (fleshlights and silicone vagina molds are not included in this approximate statistic) and nearly half of the vaginally endowed population are licensed drivers. While these numbers are getting increasingly less scientific I’m going to be so bold and say that half of that half actually own a car (or are given exclusive car privileges by a generous spouse or employer), that’s 0.875 billion woman who have cars to care for.

I’m sure that some of the lady-drivers out there are capable of maintaining their cars in the same way that the rest of us maintain a tidy kitchen, that is to say, naturally. For the rest of us I’ve devised a guide to getting back on the road after your vehicle gives you a bit of trouble.

Call an expert

Just about any man can tell you what to do when your car is giving you fits. If he doesn’t know then, by golly, he surely knows someone who can be trusted to do good work and not try to trick you based on your general lack of knowledge relating to mechanical things. Cars are man things, men know cars.

Ask questions

It may feel silly asking, “why does my window need replaced when my brakes are squeaking?” but fret not, if you don’t ask the question then you will never know that brakes and windows run off the same fuse and must be replaced in triumvirate. You want your wear and tear to be even and whatnot.

Give it time

Maybe you need to figure out when your car will be ready to take home, you have to put the roast in the oven by 4:00 PM or it will never be done in time for dinner. That is all fine and good, but you had better arrange for a taxi. Car repairs take time, much like flower arranging and watercolors, it cannot be rushed or else the job will be ruined. Don’t let a week without wheels get you done, those new windshield wipers will be worth the wait.

Junk it

If you don’t have a man, time, or the testicular fortitude to ask why just get a new car. The way they are made these days your auto is probably racing toward it’s expiration date. That little ding in the bumper ruined the resale value in an instant, sell your junker for scrap and go to your nearest dealer to buy a new one, after all car dealers are known for their forthright sale tactics.



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