A Guide to Proper Condom Disposal 

I’m happy to see that so many people in my neighborhood practice safe sex and that nearly all of these practitioners are so very well endowed (you never know when you might be feeling lonely and need the company of a man who can tear through an extra large condom!).

Because I’m not peeping in windows at night watching people get it on (scouts honor) you may wonder how I know about the safety and size of my neighbors sex, well folks, I spend my days walking my dog, and in doing so I often tread upon used condoms and discarded wrappers.

I get it, if you, the sex haver, toss them, the used prophylactics, in the trash your mom, or your wife, will discover the evidence of your business. Let me help you get it on, safely, without broadcasting it to the world.

At home

We’ve established that the trash, while an obvious choice for disposal of garbage, is not ideal for privacy maintenance. In many homes the plumbing is also not equipped for keeping you love making a secret, so flushing is out of the question. This may seem like a distressing situation but you’re just not being creative enough.

If you are a lady, get a vase, fill it with fake flowers and water those flowers with the evidence of your boinking. Once the vase is full, dust the flowers and give the entire thing to an elderly neighbor, old people love gifts.

If vases aren’t your style grab a pair of socks, ball them up in your usual fashion and keep them in a drawer. Every time you need to stash after a smash unroll the socks and pop that bad boy and it’s foil into the sock. Once the socks are full take your clothes to the laundromat and toss them in an open washer.

In the park

If you decide to pork in the park* toss your condoms at the base of the nearest tree. You get extra points (read: more sex having) if the tree is within 15 steps of a trashcan. Most condoms are made of latex, latex is natural, nature loves natural stuff so the tree will grow bigger and stronger as a result of your careful composing.

At the office

You’re probably in violation of some type of company policy but your work spouse deserves your best efforts so give them what you’ve got. When you are through managing that project toss the evidence behind the whiskey bottle in the boss’s bottom drawer.

In an alley 

You can’t leave a condom in an alley, what are you an animal?

Throw it in the street.


*Park porking needs to be done out of the path of dog walkers, we don’t need to see your weak ass** humping. Thanks.

**I struggled with weak ass because originally I meant weak-ass but when I didn’t punctuate properly I decided I like that the ass was weak in this sentence. You are welcome to read it either way, I’m not the boss of you.

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