I will tell you upfront that I have never been in a serious relationship which is why you should trust me and everything I say. I can only see the whole picture where as you, a part of the relationship I am advising can only see a piece of it, or you’re just plain blind to all of your problems.

Some relationships are doomed from the moment they begin and others are sickeningly sweet until death do you part (ick, but, also, good for you). You may think that you’re in the latter when in fact you are totally in the former. I can help you sort that out. I will give you scenarios and tell you whether or not you should stay or leave. If you think I’m wrong let me know via the comment section.

Scenario 1:

You met at a bar and bonded over dogs and beer. Your friends love this new SO and your parents started naming their future grandchildren the second you brought this person home. You are not perfectly physically matched, an 8 and a 5. You like to travel to the same places and are totally cool letting the other person do the silly shit they enjoy and you don’t have time for. You probably argue about the ethics of prostitution and legalization of drugs but at the core you’re fairly similarly minded.

Verdict:

Stay, this is the kind of thing that makes your high school friends green with envy.

Scenario 2:

You like this person, they check all of the boxes, even the super specific ones. They make you happy because they do the things you want them to. You are fed and sexually satisfied and, even more than that, you are not alone. You are a homebody and they suffer from wanderlust. You have the means to go and do and they have the motivation. When you buy them things they thank you, the only thing you have to put up with is their criticism of everything you do, everything. But they still have sex with you. They still cook for you. You just have to take them questioning your very existence and berating how you breathe. They make you feel good because they add you to their profile picture on Facebook.

Verdict:

Stay, you may be miserable but you get to have sex sometimes and you can’t do that with strangers or people you meet in bars and hangout with occasionally or people you’ve known for a while. Also no one else will cook for you. Maybe you should marry this person.

Scenario 3:

You have been friends years. You are living parallel lives. Both insanely busy and tired. You know you can do better and should do better but Tinder and Bumble and all the other sites take a set of balls you have yet to grow. It’s easy. You are supportive of each others  Everest sized ambitions and are empathetic to the exhaustion the climb makes you. The lean too hard on each other and it adds to the exhaustion. You like different movies and different shows but you like the same books, sometimes.

Verdict:

Leave, you already know that someone else would be better, go find better.

 

Scenario 4:

You live together. You fight all the time, wall shaking fights, fights that involve you jumping on cars and involving passersby. But they need you because they can’t keep a job and when the fights are done, no matter how battered you are you know they love you because they are willing to have their way with you. You both like listening to the same music a little too loud. You love the dog you have in common and hate your nieces with a shared fiery passion.

Verdict:

I’d feel like a PSA against abusive relationships if I told you to leave in this scenario (or Scenario 2). So do what you want. You are an adult you know if you enjoy the cops being called for your protection and then refusing to press charges despite being bruised and bloodied.