It took me almost an entire year but I think I’ve finally been saddled with enough bollocks to call it quits. I would have thought that this decision would have been more dramatic and, if the movies were even remotely close to true, I would need infinitely more ice cream (I went with wine, chocolate, and a bit of a grope, felt more appropriate in this kind of weather).

After a day of wallowing and Facebook unfriending, I’ve come through the hard part of this break up, fairly intact and out of booze. Without going into detail about why I went about ending a long term (non-romantic) relationship it has inspired me to re-examine the different ways one can break it off with a friend or partner.

I want you to be aware of your options when it comes time to cut and run. Much like fire safety (Stop, Drop, and Roll!), if you drill these options into your brain box you’ll be able to function on autopilot when the need arises. Below are a few options for ending all types of relationships.

Direct confrontation

This is my style, typically. If I have a problem with you, I’m probably going to tell you flat out. I like this because I’m not good at reading other people’s minds and, as such, don’t imagine other people are good at reading mine. So, if I want to end a relationship, I choose to tell you. 

With this method expect some type of reaction, but since relationships aren’t physics don’t expect it to be equal and opposite. Expect enough of an adrenaline rush to lose that pesky 10 pounds you’ve been trying to rid yourself. And expect that you will be further justified in your decision to dump the fool because of the crazy things he (or she, but don’t make me keep doing this gender neutral thing, it’s just extra work) will say in response to your  need for space.

Some people just can’t handle directness. If you encounter those people, go with one of the options below.

Ghosting

Ghosting is something that is really kind of taken off of late, not in practice, I imagine, but in hoe acceptable the broader consciousness finds it. 

Silently slipping off the face of the a relationship has it’s perks. I don’t recommend it for your longer term and more serious types of relationships unless, of course, you’ve tried being direct and gotten nowhere.

Be aware that if you have feelings tied to the person you ghost, it will hurt something fierce to find out that they are totally fine not talking to you ever again, not sledge hammer to the hand bad but pretty darn bad.

Haunting

I have never tried this but it seems like the perfect thing to do to your high school sweetheart after things end badly. Basically, it’s ghosting but with subtle social media touches.

I’m not a fan of the like buttons Facebook and Twitter but this is exactly why they were invented. You better believe that you will be the first person to like every new post, picture and suggestion of post-split okay-ness.

This is tantalizingly passive aggressive, which you should read as disgustingly cruel and extremely useful.

Death

Dying is the best way to end all contact with someone. Sure, they may try to contact you via a Ouija Board but that kind of contact allows for maximum haunting opportunities, and not in the social media sense.

To be fair, the bus drive who hit you while reaching for his phone is super sorry for what happened.

Murder

When you just can’t count on someone else to do the job for you, you have to do it yourself. Prepare well (you’ve seen 48 Hours).And keep the Ouija Board in the closet, you don’t want them tattling on you.