Stomaching the Embarrassment of Autocorrect

I witnessed a middle aged man turn red, then purple, while snorting with laughter, either out of embarrassment or sheer, immature joy. His phone bore a calendar reminder for the weekend. It had changed his weekend plans from a cornhole tournament, to a come hole tournament (I feel like the rules of the latter are more complicated than the former, but for the life of me I couldn’t dream of what they are).

He was lucky, most of us suffer these types of mistakes when sending a text to a potential suitor or emailing the hiring manager of your dream job. Technology is so convenient that we forget it’s treachery until it has betrayed us.

When it happens, and it will happen, you will need something akin to a plan to save face. Ideas for your recovery from that eventual autocorrect snafu are below.

Change your number

If you ducked up via text message you should go to the nearest mobile phone provider, walk up to an overly zealous salesperson and demand your number be changed. Beg for the former number of a drug dealer or a degenerate gambler. Plead, in a cold sweat, for the mercy of new digits. 

Offer cash. Promise them your first born. Sell them your soul. Do anything necessary to lose your phones identity so you never have to face your shame again.

Yell obscenities 

This is especially useful in libraries and on crowded public transportation. No one knows that you just screwed the pooch, you are safe. Let them think you are crazy insane. Let them quiver in fear at your outburst.

Just don’t let them know that you just sent a message that said, “you are so wide” instead of “wise” to a girl.

Send an immediate apology 

I’ve done this. I’ve very much done this. I did this in a manner so swift and formal I offended the recipient of my gaffe. He called, I insisted I was busy. He whined about how uptight I am. I fired him as client.

Embarrassment solved.

Pretend like it never happened 

This is how one of my coworkers handles farts (thus being banished to the office next to the sniffler) and it more or less works 

If you don’t acknowledge that you’ve goofed, they have very little opportunity to acknowledge it as well. 

Return to handwritten communication 

This is an investment, time and supplies and a handwriting class or two, but it will save you from future mistakes 

I suggest that while you are practicing your letters on wide rule paper you reread some of the letters from older fiction, Pride and Prejudice has some good ones, if I remember correctly.

Take note of tone and diction. Emulate the sophistication and eloquence. Embody the art of letter.

Then abandon them. Stamps are nearly fifty cents and the postman struggles with five day a week delivery. 

You can always find new friends.

2 thoughts on “Stomaching the Embarrassment of Autocorrect

  1. So funny, damn tech betraying us like that. I don’t have autocorrect but I have once ended a work email off with Kind Retards instead of Kind Regards… I magically fell ill that same day and had to leave early.

    Liked by 1 person

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