As May rolls in, wedding season is upon us, once again.
This joyous time of year is filled with poor decisions, too much money spent on new outfits, new shoes, andthe best of the best gifts for the happy couple, hooking up with questionably attractive attendees, and maybe a trip to the emergency room for the annual alcohol poisoning.
This is all fine and good, traditions must be upheld. And there is the hope that as the invitations fill your mailbox this years inviters will allow you the honor of sharing their day with a guest of your choosing*.
So who will you take? And what what if you have some non-wedding function that needs a date? I’ve got you on this.
When you are attending a wedding and allowed a guest (wedding haver for the love of Pete you spent $42k on three hours at a shitty winery, you can afford to allow guests of single people) you need to take someone who you will have fun with.
If you dance, they should dance, if you drink, they should drink more. You need to be a part of the shit show, and your guest needs to be the talk of the shit show.
Do keep in mind that weddings confuse people’s feelings. If you have no intention of banging your plus one they should be aware of this and be ready, and willing, to wingman you into the bed of the best man/maid of honor. God forbid you take your friend with benefits and they get the wrong idea, there is nothing more revolting than drunk, hurt, horny tears especially while other people are watching.
Corporate functions are the pits. No matter how many times you are given a behavior pass you must keep yourself at least three drinks less drunk than your superiors. Your date should understand this and be willing to play along.
You may also want to consider someone who is willing to defer to your judgement in front your colleagues. They should flinch and vowed when you enthusiastically gesticulate your interactions with that client.
They should tremble in your presence.
If they trembling is a side effect of all the coke they did in the bathroom, fine, just as long as they aren’t drunk.
You should always bring someone of the same sex to family functions. If you have a less-than-long-term significant other don’t ruin your life with them by exposing them to your family.
If you bring a platonic friend of the opposite sex your family will forever be asking why you didn’t end up marrying them. The worst that can happen with your platonic same sex friend is that Uncle Rupert tells everyone you’re gay, and that’s fine because your gay cousin Kyle needs to know he’s not Uncle Rupert’s only target.
Bring someone with a fat wallet, who likes to throw their cash money around to impress the onlookers.
Don’t forget to nab a few bills for yourself in the process.
Dinner with your college roommates
Don’t take anyone. They already know from Facebook that you are horribly single and have no prospects.
Wait, why are you seeing These people? You didn’t like them when you lived in a smelly 10×10 box with them, there is no need to reminisce.
*Reason #2 to get married: people will not expect you to attend their wedding alone.