Office Stress Reduction and You

This week has been one for the books, and today is motherfucking Tuesday.

I feel like this whole crippling ten hour work day, half spent with salad jizz on my shirt, is not a unique experience. And since I’ve lost my edge, according to some man who tells me I love him, I feel like maybe I should resign myself to the self-help shelf. Today I offer advice that could actually help you cope with work weeks that feels a little like a pelvic exam during a spelling bee.

  1. Express your feelings – Look, people can’t read your mind, tell them you are overwhelmed. I’m sure they will step back and evaluate how they can ease your burden. Their hour long personal phone calls are to help recruit reinforcements, not make you do their work as well as your own. And the calls to ask questions about long time client relationships and product knowledge is not because after two years they want to be better at their job, it’s about you. Thank them.
  2. Get some excercise – Spinning in your chair while clicking a pen with your tongue and beating out a seriously gnarly drum solo will do you’re soul some good. Just be sure to close your office door before getting your heart rate up, you wouldn’t want to frighten prospects. 
  3. Ignore your phone – If you don’t answer someone else will and then they will be transferred back to your voicemail. The good news is if you press 0, you don’t ever have to respond. If someone calls you out on your new communication style a simple “oops!” will get you off the hook.
  4. Vent to kindred spirits – There has to be one like minded human around you. They will get that when you tell them you think the office slut bag is out getting more than just business, it’s unsubstantiated gossip, not to be spread. Unless you week is really that bad and the stain on your blue dress has you hot with shame, then tell the office bitches that Betsy is off getting porked in exchange for new business, she deserves it, what with her lunch breaks and eveything.
  5. Relax – You spend more time in the office than at home these days so make yourself comfortable. Kick off your shoes, suck Nutella off a spoon like it’ll pay the bills, and scratch that newly Zika bitten ass cheek under your skirt*.
  6. Discuss the news with clients – Avoid politics and religion, that’s a given. But if you read an article about gay sex between heterosexual men there is nothing wrong with asking for their prospective, especially in front of their heterosexual-gay-sex-partner/football team captain. If they deny engaging in hetero-gay sex then remind them of that time they wanted you to hetero-les out, what with the sweaty boob mashing and giggling and exploration. Client and captain will be so hard they have no other option than to hetero-gay relieve each other.

If the above options don’t work, Kool-aid Man your way though the wall shouting your very sincerest “fuck yous” and “suck it asshats”, you’ll fell better in no time.

*Because some of my reader also have access to the cameras at work, please note that I was, in fact, wearing panties when I did this, they were just the same color as my skin…

Please burn all copies of this footage for the Christmas slide show before I come in, thank you.

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