The Celebrity Nextdoor: A Guide to Getting Close without Stalking 

When I was a kid my parents played softball at the horseshow grounds with a bunch folks from our little town. This seems like a dumb story, but the point of it it that one of the softball players was none other than famed actor Robert Duvall (you know, Boo Radley) and that’s pretty cool.

When I was in middle school I was playing on a frozen pond and fell in, the water was only waist deep so I survived, the moral of the story: don’t trespass on Matin Lawrence’s (yeah, from Bad Boys) ponds, the ice won’t hold.

Once, in London, I collided with Winston Marshall (It was 2009, I had seen Mumford and Sons preform a few days prior) in Piccadilly Circus, because I never got the hang of big city pedestrian traffic.

And yesterday, I was impressed to find out that one of the two people in my building that I talk to, is a bit famous. I like his dog, my friend can recite his CV from memory.

So basically, I know famous people, and I know how to treat them. They will one day help me be famous, probably, but only because I know how famous people want to be treated. And because I am a life coach, let me help get you in the same position. Below you will find a few ways to be recognized by the celebrities you encounter in your daily life.

Offer a hand

When you joined the gym it’s not like you knew that the local NFL team used that very same gym during the off season. And it’s not like you’re even really a super-fan but they seem like cool guys and you could be cool by extension,but no one gets famous for just going to the gym.

You need to coordinate you gym time with theirs. Start by acknowledging them, but as fellow gym goers not as famous enough athletes.

Maybe offer to spot them. If you drop the weight because you are a weak, weak human being, offer to call 911 for them.

If free weights are just too intimidating maybe go with some locker room banter. If your favorite player forgets his post shower towel, offer the one off your waist, he wouldn’t want his penis to end up on the Internet (unless he put it there himself) and no one is sneaking pics of yours.*

Ensure a second encounter

Maybe some US senator calls you up to place an order from your company. He’ll regale you with stories of history and government intrigue and then he’ll tell you you’re a pleasant person to chat with (he’s a polition, what else would he have to say to you) remind you to vote and be on his merry way.

If you want to build a report with dude you better make sure he calls back. Go ahead, fuck up his order, just a little bit, or all the way.

He’ll call back. He’ll remember you. 

Have them correct you 

Upon meeting your brother’s favorite author of all time, ask him to sign an Oprah’s book club copy then thank him profusely while mispronouncing his name.

Look, unless your brother is obsessed with Stephen King, it’s probably no big deal the first time. The author will correct you and go about his business. The next time you address him come up with a different mispronunciation. Do this until he understands that you are just treating him like any other average Joe.

His Oprah’s Book Club stamp of approval is only about as impressive to you as his perfect attendance award from his junior year of high school. 

Know their schedule

You may know that your famous neighbor walks his dog a 7:45 AM without fail. This is not a big deal to you because you are also walking your dog at the same time everyday.

Your friends might be so excited to meet this person that they pay you to walk your dog just so they can bump into him.

Remind them of their mortality

This is a great trick for people who have fallen from the spotlight, maybe because the tides of time have shifted, maybe because they lost all their teeth to meth, doesn’t matter. All you have to do is I say, “Oh, goodness. I thought you were dead.

They will need a friend to comfort them. Be that friend.  


*Maybe they are, I don’t know. It was unkind of me to assume. 

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