I’m trying my luck at meeting people on the Internet. I don’t have the opportunity to meet men through any of my jobs (though the guy with incurable jock itch nearly had a chance when I discovered I was the cause of his tachycardia) and it’s no fun to go out in the prowl alone and nearly impossible with a wingman who is a man.

After some encouragement from a friend I decided to give it a try, go for the gold, find my own online dating horror stories. 

As someone who prefers to be approached by potential suitors and is empathic to the fear of rejection, I wanted to give approachers some tips for engaging with approachees in a way that makes it hard to be ignored. A few ideas can be found below.

Ask a question

A question requires a response, beyond being an ice breaker a question can work as an additional filter for the freaks (they are hidden in plain sight out there). If you are at a loss about what to ask try stealing from this list:

1. You horny?
2. Anal?
3. Do you only have (insert number) of pictures because you’re fat?
4. Want to have a fuzzy make out sesh while watching GoT? 
5. You have a sister who looks like you only hot?

If these don’t illicit a response, move along, someone worthy of your time will answer.

Refer to something in their profile

People write little tidbits about themselves to aid you in your self match making. They list interests and hobbies, favorite foods and 52 favorite sex positions. If you like their age and picture maybe read some of the words, it will give you a jumping off point like:

1. I see you speak some Spanish, do you want to be my hijo de la gran puta tonight?
2. You wear glasses.
3. You seem close, you like living here?
4. I see you listed yourself as (religion other than Christian) you should come to church with me and bathe in the love Jesus Christ.

Number three is best if “close” is more than 200 miles away, in case that wasn’t something you were instinctively aware of.

Share a fun fact

If the approachee is right for you they will be as exited by the facts that you toss out.

1. Once you go brown, you never frown.*
2. You like me.
3. Your [sic] cute.
4. you are racist.

Just say hey

Hey works and so does heyy or hey cutie. It’s a greeting. Greetings are good mostly.

If you can’t bring yourself to say hey just go with an unembellished, unqualified, unpunctuated sexy.
*It was unclear if the person who presented this to me was referring to his ethnicity or anal, if you use this please specify.