I’d bet you cash money that at some point in the last month you have tried to make plans to go and do something with a group of people. I’d be willing to throw down más dinero that the experience was a total clusterfuck.

(Sorry, I got sidetracked by the origins of that word…)

There are people who can effectively make plans with people and keep them. I know that this is your ultimate goal as a human, achieving this status would be what Maslow meant  when he discussed self-actualizing, that and having a clean kitchen would be your heaven, or I’m projecting a little bit.

Either way, as it is my (self-appointed) job, I’m going to school you on how to make plans like a motherfucking social butterfly. Tips and tricks can be found below.

Set expectations

I have always wanted to go to the psychic festivals held sporadically down the street from where I live, but because I am not a psychic I never know when they are going down. Unless you are part of the group who puts on the festivals, or you work for Miss Cleo, aren’t reading minds, and you sure as hell shouldn’t expect others to read yours.

If you want to go to a swanky bar dressed in your tackiest-tourist get up tell the group (or you know tell them what to wear and then be the transportation so that they can’t chicken out).

If you want to spend time with the guys sans their chicks you need to tell them. I know that fucker Brian is nearly  literally attached to his bitch but he may be willing to extricate himself from her grip if he has some advanced notice of exceptions.

The same goes for that ladies night, you can call it ladies night all you want but if you don’t tell Karen that she can’t come if she brings her flavor of the month than you can’t complain about the poor dumb man bumbling about while you try to discuss menstruation in fine detail before stripping to your undies for a pillow fight.

Lay out a timeline

If you are meeting for dinner at 5:30 PM for happy hour then you have a 7:00 PM reservation for dinner at a different establishment before you head to a speak easy to get shwasted at 9:45 PM before heading out to wander the streets around midnight and then home at 1:53 AM, you need to tell people.

I’m not saying that the itinerary can’t have some flexibility but Karen has to work late (then she needs to check in with Brian, they’re dating now) so she needs to know when you will be where so she can meet up with the group without slowing everyone down.

No one wants to be told you’re going for drinks and dinner only to find out you meant drinks then dinner (we hear what we hear) and drive across town looking for you only to find out that dinner was a complete failure because Karen’s ex is still in the group text and showed up to try to win her back before getting the entire party chucked out.

Coordinate

If you need a DD, and it sounds like you do, then make sure you have one. If you don’t have a pregnant friend or a recovering alcoholic to help you in this regard, figure out who is Ubering to where so you don’t force peak pricing on yourself. If all 19 of you are trying to get from point A to point B you don’t need 19 Ubers you need like four reckless ones.

If you are paying for dinner separately make it easier and make sure that the restaurant allows for separate checks, otherwise bitches are going to get testy about paying for their portion of the oysters and they only had one because they are “allergic” and why would they pay for something they didn’t really eat. If you can’t break it up, get the cash up front.

Stick to the plan

Look, we all know Brian and Karen are going to try to derail the entire evening. Don’t let them. If you have a plan you can stick to it and people can join when they want and leave when Karen or Brian finally push them to their breaking point.

Most of all though, have fun. If you have fun then plans will work out and people will enjoy joining you on your rigid fun planned evenings out.