We’ve all put out foot in our mouth at some point, and if we were lucky the people who witnessed this awful display of poor taste were kind enough to laugh it off, at least until we walked away. 

You learn and move one.

But what happens when the sales guy at Best Buy doesn’t catch your subtle disinterested cues? And how do you handle the overly confident telemarketer? And what if that one client who you were pleasant to in passing took your feigned interest as a spark?

I’ve come up with a series of fool proof ways to end these awkward interactions, please find it below.

Excuse me

This is polite. 

Miss Manners, while lately a little off her rocker, would find this to be an acceptable exit strategy. While I find her methods to be mildly old fashioned, and manner to be judgemental as hell, this she and I agree on.

If polite isn’t your style pull out you phone and curse you battery level before making your exit. Or, depending on the urgency of your departure, answer your phone in an obviously fake way; say hello in a foreign language you are not well versed in, leave it upside down or backwards.

I’d rather have polio 

When someone is needling you to do something (that sentence is vague as fuck) throw this gem in their face.

 If your original, polite “no thank you” falls on deaf ears, state it again. If your declination is ignored again, hit them where it hurts, for Rotarians it’s Polio, for Christians it’s crucifixion, for Republicans its homosexuality. Let  the needled know you mean business by wishing the one thing that they fight against upon yourself. 

It’s too late for an abortion 

When a pregnant woman enters a conversation nothing beyond her status as an incubator for a human parasite can be discussed. People become intrusive and share their fanciful, irrelevant opinions about the incubation process.

The strangers touch your belly and coo and wax poetic about your vagina, who they have never met. Then they ask your birth plan. And maybe if you are super into spouting your internet findings (the horror!) you share your thoughts. 

But if you’re over explaining that you don’t want to discuss the icky nonsense with those people, just shrug and tell them that you missed the sweet spot and are doomed to carry this thing until the end.

I love you
This works well on strangers but you have to be careful, some people are not threatened by deep emotional attachment at inappropriate times. Believe it or not, the second it’s not safe to set foot in Best Buy is the second you need to go back to pick something up. 

Have you accepted Christ?

Again, audience and timing are crucial, but if you’re tired of being offered store credit cards every time you make a purchase this is a good one. If you must shop brush up one your evangelical teachings and go for the win. You’ll get that extra 15% off because Jesus intended it to be that way, or because the poor chick behind the register doesn’t need any more prophets witnessing on her today.