I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I am a woman. I know, fucking shocker! I was recently reminded of this while being put in my place by a man in front of men. My face burned red and tears welled up but that’s to be expected at this phase of the moon.

I’m sure that if you were cursed with two X chromosomes you have been in a similar position, on the sidelines of a dick measuring contest but forced to keep your penis politely out of sight. If you find them position to be maddening I can help. You don’t need to fight to fit it, just follow the steps below.

Check you dick at the door

I have a penis, it’s on the larger side and occasional has a mustache. But since I am a lady, when I leave the house I tuck it tidily in a drawer and forget it exists. You should do this too (except on Take Your Dildo to Work Day which is June 15th).

No man wants you walking into his offices with a distracting bulge under your skirt, that would be emasculating. Sure, some men will enjoy the competition, revel in the potential rivalry, perhaps even use you and your skill set to his advantage. But with only about eight percent of the population identifying as homosexual, you are probably hard pressed to find this dude if your work place.

I know that you want to show off your thick knob, and how good at making it do the helicopter thing but you need to save that for when you are alone.

Match pitch, kind of

This is twofold:

1. Do not yell unless being yelled at (with?) This is hard for me to articulate (see 2). If someone is yelling, because they are passionate about something, you can join forces and yell along with them, just like, in a less yell-y manner. Like go there, but then dial it back. You know, if he’s at eight (8) you need to be a strong five (5). Go team.
2. Take the temperature of the IQs in the room and adjust accordingly. There may be a day when you are the least intelligent person in the room, that day will be a blessing. Otherwise, make sure you ask redundant questions about things you probably already know so that no one suspects you aren’t just a little dumb. Maybe be clumsy too, because dumb and clumsy is a winning combination.

Study body language

There are obvious power stances (think Superman) that you know instinctively to defer to. But if you are not a user of public transportation (and I live in a city that is seriously lacking in that field) you may be less aware of a phenomenon referred to as “manspreading”, which is basically the thing were men sit with their legs spread. Studies show that this pose is more of a measuring of space (men have wide shoulders, hence the need for wide knees) type thing.

And as a woman, you know that you are attracted to large men who take up more space, and if you know it, men know it. During power grabs and peacocking men will widen their knees to enlarge their form, when they do this cast your eyes at a 45 degree angle and allow them the power that they are displaying.

If one day they start folding their arms and legs in uncertainty, you had better become very insecure as well. Maybe cry but in a way that isn’t out of control or over the top, just a little weak weeping to set the stage.

Learn to do the blinky thing

I’m sure you know the move I’m talking about. It’s the only thing that will get you out of choking on cock* for a living. If you were born defective and can’t do it naturally, find a kind woman (from a different professional field, you don’t want this bitch undermining your progress) to show you how it’s done and then practice. Practice until your eyes fall out of your head, then practice some more.

 

*Figuratively, of course, fellatio is how you get the big accounts, not your regular paycheck.