Next weekend is going to be a shit show of drunk Americans celebrating our freedom, because we, as Americans, are free to get drunk and blow stuff up, so says the Declaration of Independence*. 

This year, The 4th of July falls on a Monday so maybe it’s a less than great example. But summer Mondays, y’all. 

Ok, back to make believe senarios where you and I pretend we are social beings who go out and have fun instead of sitting around reading blogs in our under-drawers. 

You’ve partied hard, it was a fucking riot. The four beers you had in the span of eight hours has you crying for your mommy and hugging the toilet like it’s that door Rose was on towards the end of Titanic, there is no hope, and yet, to work you must go. A few ways to help make that happen can be found below.

Hydrate 

Lite beers (their spelling, not mine) are mostly water, and they have some nutritional value by way of carbohydrates. And we know that carbs soak up alcohol so they cancel out that measly 4%.

I recommend a one to one hydration formula, for every one drink you consumed to obtain your headache, you drink one lite beer to rehydrate. If you went ham on the salt while boozing in a moderate fashion go ahead and have a few extra hydrating beverages.

Carbo load

As I mentioned above, carbohydrates absorb alcohol, so eat them. Eat them like you are about to run your fourth marathon in as many days. 

Eat a box of spaghetti for breakfast. Snack on a loaf of Wonder Bread during your commute. 

Do what you have to do to cleanse your body, remember you can never do too much!

Sweat it out

Maybe you’re knee deep in an episode of the Adkins diet and can’t have carbs on your conscience, run. 

Run to work, run at lunch, run home. 

As you sweat alcohol will be expelled from your body, you will be tempted to shower post run, but don’t. The alcohol on your skin will pull more alcohol out via diffusion. Let diffusion do the hard work, you just run. 

Suck it up

If all else fails just do what you have to to keep from expelling the contents of your stomach into your desk drawers. 

Probably best to keep your teeth clenched and hold your nose.

*If you do not understand what I just did here thank you free education system** and email me for an explanation.

**I was educated in public schools and I know that Abraham Lincoln fought the Indians and took America for its rightful owners, the destitute and displaced Europeans*.