If you are not aware, I am Hitler’s wet dream*, blonde and blue to core. This is what I present to the world when I walk down the street. This is what shows up in photos when they are taken of me. This is what gets put out there when I post pictures of myself on dating sites.

With my blondness all out there for everyone to see I am frequently chatted up by men of various ages, races, educational backgrounds, geographic locations (come on men of Algeria, I’m not falling for it!), and “hey” capabilities. The question I get asked most frequently, and it’s a total turn off, but I also kind of understand, and still hate, but I get it, I guess, is, and it’s in quotes because literally everyone who asks asks the same way, “Do you date outside your race?”

And the answer is yes, but I don’t want to talk to about 92% of the men who send me messages because men of varying levels of married, ugly, and old want some of this. So I’m occasionally accused of being a racist because I have no interest in a man in his 50s with seven or eight kids. I am not the only one, I can’t be.

So how do you handle this type of accusation?

Deny it

You’re not a racist, I know because I am not a racist, because I have black friends, I have dated black men. Hell, I live in a black neighborhood. There is no way I am racist. And you aren’t either, unless you are part of my immediate family, the people I work with at the free clinic, the people in my neighborhood who use Nextdoor (um, you guys if a man who is black is walking down the street it’s black male, not black mail). But if you are not  one of the aforementioned people the reason you reject the poor bastard is because his head is misshapen, his teeth don’t live in his mouth, he doesn’t trim his nose hair, or because he doesn’t fit in the frame of a photo, not because he is Indian from India.

So no, I’m not racist. I’m just fucking shallow. And so are you.

Unless, you are…

Embrace it

If you are racist the first line of your profile should read: I only like my kind, all others fare thee well.

This line serves not only to let everyone know you are on the wrong dating site but it may cause some amusement among the more literate sect, just a juxtaposition thing, what with the highfalutin language and the lowness of the opinion.

I’m not an idiot, as I write this, I am aware that many people are more attracted to people within their own race, and I know that it is to a certain extent about self love.

Acknowledge the source of you preferences

You probably grew up in a warm household, with a mother and father and a few siblings (one did drugs in high school but turned into a wonderful, functioning adult). You had a cat and a dog, and on Easter you ate ham while wearing white dresses and bonnets (or bow ties). Your childhood was perfect and that is why you are most attracted to your dad, I mean, to men who resemble your father in some fashion.

Put it out there. Just say “I’m a daddy’s girl,” and post a picture of the two of you dancing at your purity ball.

In case you were wondering, I prefer large men, taller than 5’11”, who have lots of curly hair, and black eyes. My dad bought my younger sister a car for my 16th birthday, so you know, suck it short, bald men.

State your rejection

Upon receiving a chatty “Hey beautiful lady no disrepsect [sic] but I wanna lick your pussy” just lay it out there, “Nope!”

I get that it’s easier to block this dude or ignore him but its only fair to tell him what is wrong with him so that you will be on the same page when he goes into insane-slut-shaming-burned mode. If you need help you are welcome to use my rejections.

• If I can’t high-five your wife after fucking you, I’m out. [good for married people not in open relationships]
• I’m sorry, the number you have reached is not in service.
• Hey
• I am allergic to the dander of the feline, so I do not possess a pussy. Best of luck.
• I’m gay now.
• You’re gay now.
• I just wanted to remind you that your account has been overdrawn for like three weeks, you might want to take care of that. You have my card if you have any questions.
• I’m a feminist.
• Hey.
• I don’t like video games.
• Who is that bitch? Are you fucking her? [works best when someone is in a photo with them]

 

 

*Please read that as it is intended, tongue and cheek. Thank you. Also, please note that I am not tall so it is also a motherfucking lie.