Summer Dresses and Other Useful Tips for Staying Cool in the Opressive Heat

Today, while walking the dog, I started swinging my arms, sticky with my dehydrated body’s attempt at sweat, to try to get a breeze moving.

 The dew point is in the 80s (that’s in Fahrenheit) and people are shooting guns and lighting fires to cool off (because this is America, hence the Fahrenheit). Despite their best efforts people are just staying too darn warm. Don’t be these people. Put down the matches and read up on dressing to stay cool. 

  • Sundresses – they’re made of cotton usually and is a breathing fabric. You might not be able to breathe in 94% humidity but your dress will, and to misquote Robert Frost, that will make all the difference.
  • Light colors– the dudes who sell Hanover tomatoes at the vegetable stand wear various shades of khaki to prevent extra light absorption. I learned in college that one time, light is energy, heat is energy, and by some philosophy I can’t remember that means light is heat. Don’t hold the heat. 
  • Go with long lengths– think long sleeves and pants. Even if you aren’t cooler, you’ll give off the impression of being a cucumber while everyone else is so sweat drenched they look freshly showered.
  • Skip the under-drawers– this is especially good with a sun dress, you know, breezes and what not (except be careful with said breezes). If you are rocking genitalia not traditionally paired with dresses, your business is sticking to whatever it damn well pleases, why not give your junk the freedom to do so? Also, if I’m going to be subjected to watching your squat and pull scrotum from between your ass cheeks I want there to be some risk of a show. Thanks. 

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