Human Sexuality: A Crash Course

One of the things I have run into with this whole online dating, other than hundreds of men knocking down my door to be with me, is the many options and explanations of each of these people’s sexuality.

I grew up in a world where people were straight, or occasionally gay (and there was a strong presence of little people, if that means anything to you). But on the internet the little people, straights, and gays are joined by so many other groups it can be difficult to know where you fit in.

So you don’t struggle with knowing what you are encountering, online or in person, please find bit of a glossary below. I’m sure I’ve left something out so please feel free to add to this post via a comment or two.

Straight- This is when someone with an outy bits is sexually attracted to people with inny bits and vice versa.

Gay- This is when folks with outy bits like other folks with outy bits (and who can blame them!?) or folks with inny bits like folks with other inny bits (commonly known as vegetarians).

Bisexual- People who are bisexual like boys and girls. They are not unicorns as some parts of the internet suggest, they exist, I’ve met them, but I’ve never met a unicorn.

Pansexual- People who fall into the category of pan like every conceivable gender, like all of the genders ever. The world is their oyster.

Saposexual- Saposexual people are attracted to brains, they are not to be confused with zombies though, because zombies eat brains and saposexuals fuck them.

Asexual- Asexual people just want the whole genitalia joining to be a non-issue.

Straight but only dates Bi- These are usually men (I said usually!) who are looking for that ever elusive threesome. They just want to bang all the ladies at the same time. I would like to call this turbelasexual, but my Latin is weak.

Straight but can’t preform sexually without the presence of an attractive, fun man- see Gay. I’m not one to tell you what you should call yourself, but if you are a man who only has sex with women while another man is not only present but participating, you are gay. And you should probably take whatever woman you are trying to get to bang dudes with you on a few dates before laying it all out there.

Club Sports Teams- This is often a group of close friends who like to play sports and drink. The team may be exclusively heterosexual until they are together, pounding Miller Lite, celebrating a victory, and slowly transforming into a puddle of homosexual sex acts disguised as comradery. 




A little note: It pains me that even prior to publishing this post I know that this is going to piss people off. First, calm your tits, Facebook is far more outrageous. Now that you are in a better place mentally please, read more of my nonsense, hopefully by doing so you will understand the tone in which I write.  If you are still confused on the tone after reading more, click the button to contact me and then send me an email. I’ll explain everything to you there.


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